Personal Growth Planet

We've Moved!

2010-02-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

The Personal Growth Planet blog is now located at the Personal Growth Planet website. Come on over and continue to be inspired, motivated and informed by checking out new weekly blog posts as well as regularly added articles.

Peace, Blessings and Great Joy to You,
Amy

Why Losing Control Isn't Necessarily a Bad Thing

2010-02-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I've been watching the Winter Olympics a lot this past week. I've been amazed and inspired by the skill, creativity, determination and endurance displayed by all of the athletes-- not just those who were awarded medals.

I found myself holding my breath as skiers raced down a mountainside traveling over 60 mph as they jumped and turned and vied for top speeds.

As these women and men careened down the mountain ski runs, I'd often perceive that they were out of control-- some of them did wipe out. I've only skied a few times in my life (and certainly not on any runs close to those at the Olympics), but to my untrained eyes there were many occasions when it seemed that at any moment the skier was going to crash.

On the whole, being in control when you're on a set of skis moving over 60 mph down an alpine slope is probably a good thing.

In many aspects of life, however, the compulsion to control and be in control can become a huge obstacle and actually keep us stuck-- or even send us backsliding.

I've admitted in previous blog posts that I have a propensity to control. Especially when particular aspects of my life feel overwhelming or out of my reach, I tend to dig in and attempt to control anything and anybody I can.

This has led to pain and disconnection within myself and in my relationships. I am certainly aware of the negative consequences of trying to control.

Mixed messages
At the same time, it seems to me that we are taught that to be in control is beneficial, desirable and revered.

After all, addicts are seen as those people who cannot control their use of a particular substance or activity. A person who yells around and throws things is viewed as unable to control his or her temper.

These are just a couple of examples.

Being “in control” and “controlling” are slightly different actions, but the mixed message is still there.

For some of us, the belief develops that, “I have to maintain control of my life and also not infringe on the lives of others.”

This is certainly a reasonable approach.

But even this notion of being “in control” without breaching that invisible line and crossing into “controlling” can hold a person back.

For example, let's say that I want to improve my financial situation. I set goals about this. I write down lists of how I think I can increase my income. I create in my mind a plan for how I will systematically move from where I currently am to where I want to be.

This all make rational sense and it might be effective.

However, if I attempt to control this aspiration by holding fast to and continually focusing in on my goal, I can become easily frustrated when things don't go according to my plan.

I can pretty quickly find myself feeling helpless and out of control if the results that I want haven't come yet. As a result, I might cling to that plan even tighter or perhaps even abandon it all together.

Release control and take command
Often, it is in those moments of abandon, when we release control, that the movement that we wanted all along occurs.

I have to admit, the idea of relinquishing control of my life strikes a bit of terror in me! But I also see very clearly that my propensity for control keeps me stuck where I am.

The trick here is to go ahead and create your vision for what you want. Let yourself feel excited and energized by it. You might even have some great ideas about what your next step could be.

But don't try to plan it all out.

Once you know what you want, let it go. This doesn't mean that you don't want whatever it is anymore. It means that you're going to allow what you want to manifest.

At those top speeds, Olympic downhill skiers have to release some amount of control and, to some degree, simply ride along. A tight and rigid resistance from the skier will undoubtedly lead to a wipe out and possible injury.

Teacher Richard Bartlett, author of The Physics of Miracles, makes the distinction between command and control. According to Bartlett, while control has a dimension of forcing something or trying to make it happen, command comes from the heart.

To command is to confidently know what you want and then release your attachment so that you can hear the guidance and feel the inspiration that will take you there...or perhaps someplace even better than you'd initially dreamed.

Perhaps releasing control doesn't have to be such a scary thing after all. Instead, I can step up and gently, yet assuredly, and take command of my own life.

What Would “Honest Abe” Do?

2010-02-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

We've all heard the stories about honesty and two of our best-known U.S. Presidents, whom we happen to celebrating on this cold and snowy holiday.

While the tale of young George Washington chopping down a cherry tree and then finding the courage to admit the deed to his father may have been an invention, there are plenty of documented examples of the honesty displayed by both Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

“Resolve to be honest at all events...” Lincoln reportedly advised his audience during a speech early his career.

But can you truly be completely honest all of the time?

After all, aren't there occasions in which honesty isn't necessarily the “best” policy?

For instance, when someone you care about asks you the ill-fated question, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” How do you answer if, indeed, the clothing doesn't seem to fit in a flattering manner?

There are plenty of times when many of us fib or tell a “white lie” because it seems to be the nicer, kinder thing to do. Of course, you don't want to make your partner feel worse about his or her body size.

Other times, we aren't completely honest because we don't feel comfortable speaking the whole truth (or even a portion of it). We may have become accustomed to not making waves in our relationships.

Perhaps on some level, we believe that the people close to us will dislike us, stop loving us or even leave if we really speak up about what's on our minds.

This doesn't always happen consciously.

Many times, we've been taught to shut down our truth-speaking inner voices. We may have been taught-- overtly or by example-- that to succeed or even survive in life it's better to ignore or even silence what we truly feel and think.

This can happen on more dramatic levels as well as those more subtle.

We've certainly heard about people who “wake up” one day and realize that the relationship, the job, the life that they have been living is absolutely NOT what they wanted after all.

People who experience this in themselves, their partners or other family members might even describe themselves as living a “lie.”

More often than not, this radical realization happens because the person has become practiced at silencing his or her inner truth-- knowingly or not. The recognition of this apparent “lie” may even come as a surprise to the person living it.

Find your truth

In each and every moment, keep the channels of communication open between you and you. You might have to re-learn how to listen to your inner self so that you can better know what's true for you.

When it comes down to it, only you can know what is true for you from your particular vantage point and experience in any situation.

It can be helpful to take the capital “T” out of truth and the capital “H” out of honesty.

You get to determine what resonates or feels most authentic to you in each moment. This can change and it will most definitely vary from person to person.

The key here is to know your own truth and remember that others in your life may have different experiences. Of course, there will be overlap and shared truths and there will also be disagreement and even conflicting truths.

You can avoid a lot of conflict, however, if you remember this subjectivity of truth. Take responsibility for being honest about your own thoughts, beliefs, values and actions.

You can speak your truth in ways that are both genuine and compassionate, authentic and connective.

Act from your truth

Action is the place where speaking unauthentically, even dishonestly, gets us into trouble.

It could be the young child who claims to have no idea how the box of cookies came to be emptied as cookie crumbs sprinkle his cheeks.

It may be the woman who always agrees with her partner, because that's what she's been taught to do, as she goes ahead and does the opposite thing anyway.

When we cut ourselves off from our own truth-- either consciously or unconsciously-- we often end up acting in ways that seem to make no sense to others (and ourselves). This can become confusing and will inevitably erode trust.

Today, find the clarity within yourself to touch in with your own truth more of the time.

Then, be courageous and speak honestly and authentically about how you feel and what you want. Come from a place of knowing that your truth is not necessarily the truth of another person; it is valuable and significant nonetheless.

Do your best to ensure that each step, every action you take, comes from a place of honesty, authenticity and your truth.

3 Ways to Return to Your Diet and Fitness Resolutions Pt. 2

2010-02-12T07:27:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In the previous blog post, I talked about those “oops” moments-- when you've set diet or fitness goals for yourself only to discover somewhere down the road that you've veered quite far from the course you intended.

Sometimes we are very aware of the splurge we are having or the “vacation” from the gym we are taking. Other times, we simply get so caught up in life we don't realize that we're eating and moving (or not) in ways that we'd supposedly sworn off for good.

It happens.

These two posts are all about encouraging you to get back on the track that you set for yourself. As I suggested previously, re-framing and re-phrasing your diet and fitness resolutions in terms of commitments might help you return to your goals in more sustainable and self-empowering ways.

Here are 3 additional suggestions...

#1) Forgive Yourself
I can't even count the number of times that I've noticed myself eating spoonfuls of cookie dough when I'd promised myself just 1 or 2 cookies. I then usually proceed to feel a number of emotions: shame, embarrassment, frustration, anger, irritation, sadness, helplessness and out of control.

You can probably guess that none of these emotions ever help me to stop eating cookie dough or cookies. I am taken further away from my promise to myself as the self-criticism builds and grows (along with my waistline!).

Instead, I could make a giant move back toward the diet and fitness goals I've set for myself by taking a interrupting this pattern and, instead, forgiving.

Forgiveness is an amazing and powerful practice.

As you forgive yourself, you clear away all of that blame, judgment and even self-pity, if that's mixed in there too. You don't have to beat yourself up anymore. You've probably already experienced that this isn't an effective motivator anyway.

Even if you don't believe it at first, instead of the self-castigation, repeat to yourself, “I love you, I forgive you.”

Repeat that sentence and allow yourself to open up more and more to the meaning behind the words.

Forgiveness tends to create internal space that was previously taken up with all of the blame, judgment and self-pity. From that expanded internal space, there's so much more room for choice.

What will your next move be?

#2) Return to the Present Moment
When you forgive, you essentially let go of whatever “oops” just occurred. You are now ready to come back to the present moment.

This is where your power and your capacity to make conscious decisions resides.

Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle so wisely says: “Through forgiveness, which essentially means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be as it is, the miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without.”

Each morning before you get out of bed, you might consider setting your diet and fitness goals or intentions for the day. Just for that day.

Be specific and be realistic.

If you have a super busy day at the office, perhaps an hour-long trip to the gym in the evening is unlikely. Set daily goals for yourself that you can relatively easily follow and feel good about.

Remember, the more success you encounter, the easier it can be to continue on this path.

Particularly before you eat anything, take a few seconds to check in with yourself. Will eating this particular food or this amount of food help you keep to your daily goal? Make the choice to eat or not eat whatever it is from a present and conscious place.

#3) Know Your Triggers
Triggers. We all have them.

These are those seemingly insignificant words, events, days of the week, times of day, visual, auditory or sensory cues that somehow transport us back to another time and place-- often one that was unpleasant, undesired and perhaps even traumatic.

Triggers can come up in the middle of a conversation you are having with your partner. They might emerge when you hear a particular song on the radio. They could pop up when you face an apparent block with a project you are working on.

When we are triggered, we can seem to lose control. We might find ourselves saying, doing, eating or not-exercising in ways that we later regret.

Triggers can be food-related. Some of us turn to food when we feel overwhelmed, bored, depressed or dissatisfied. We use foods (usually those foods that are not included on our healthier eating diets) to cope or attempt to escape.

If this happens in your life, it's important that you get to know what specific things trigger you.

Notice if you reach for chips when you feel overly busy or overloaded during your workday, for example. If so, take care of your overwhelmed feelings as soon as you recognize them by taking a short break if possible. Step away from your desk; go get a glass of water and remember to breathe.

The key here is to soothe whatever feelings you are having in ways that will allow you to maintain your daily eating (and fitness) goals.

It doesn't matter how many times you fall off the proverbial diet and fitness wagon. Get back up, love and forgive yourself and return to living more fully and mindfully in this present moment.

Do this all the way to a healthier, happier, more fulfilled you!

“Oops, I did it again...” Tips to Help You Return to Your Diet and Fitness Resolutions

2010-02-08T09:21:00.001-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

So maybe you set some diet and fitness resolutions for yourself at the beginning of the year. And maybe in the first few weeks of January you stuck with them and possibly even saw some positive results.

But now it's almost a month and half later, and it's likely that you've encountered some “oops” moments-- or maybe more than just a few.

At our family Superbowl party last night, for example, I realized that I was eating Fritos, cookies and chocolate-covered almonds without giving any of it much thought. I wasn't even hungry, but these treats are party food and tasted great.

Oops!

I am not on a strict diet right now, but, I have set for myself the intention to eat more mindfully.

That does not include shoveling in Fritos and chocolate!

It can happen as quickly as that. You tune back in to yourself and realize that you have fallen into old eating and non-exercise habits.

What many of us, myself included, do when we realize that we've veered from the healthier course we've set is to scold, judge and blame ourselves.

Sometimes we make excuses like, “It's too cold and snowy to go for a run” as we sit back down on the couch.

Much of the time, we also drag ourselves through the judgmental mud for not following through... as usual. As I've pointed out in past blog posts, self-shaming is absolutely NOT an effective motivator if getting back into alignment with diet and fitness resolutions is desired.

A first question to ask yourself might be, “Am I really willing to make a commitment to lose weight by eating differently and/or exercising more frequently?”

Offer yourself the chance to really consider this question. If you are merely trying to lose weight and get more fit because you think you “should,” this could part of the problem.

It's not that you are weak-willed or undisciplined. Instead, perhaps you haven't created a resolution or set an intention to which you can whole-heartedly commit.

As you probably know, commitments that you maintain usually link up with something that resonates deeply within you. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you abandon your weight loss or fitness aspirations.

What I do recommend is that you find some aspect about eating healthier and moving your body more that lines up with your core beliefs and goals.

For example, instead, of “I want to lose 35 pounds by the summer by following this particular diet and exercise regimen,” you might resolve, “I will eat at least 2 green salads each day and will not choose cookies unless I've had 5 (or more) servings of vegetables first.”

This second resolution is more specific and it also might better line up with your beliefs that a diet rich in vegetables will help keep you healthy, which lines up with your commitment to live a long and physically healthy life.

The commitment is to a healthier, more vibrant and energetic life and not necessarily to a particular number of pounds lost-- although that might be desired (and attained) as well.

This specific change in phrasing might not speak to you.

Find a different way to approach your diet and fitness goals and then re-phrase or re-think them so that they resonate more fully with what's most important to you.

This different approach can help you incorporate new ways of eating and exercising into your life with less internal resistance than you might have encountered in the past. You might even find yourself enjoying following these resolutions along the way.

Continue to play around with your resolutions until you find what works for you.

*Coming up on Friday....Part 2 of Tips to Help You Return to Your Diet and Fitness Resolutions

Are Your Instincts Taking Over?

2010-02-05T09:02:00.001-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In a few days, the culmination of American professional football's year happens. The Indianapolis Colts take on the New Orleans Saints at the Superbowl.

I recently listened to an interesting story on NPR about Colt's quarterback Peyton Manning. The story about Manning lauded his abilities as a quarterback-- especially when he's in what's called “the clutch.”

I'm not even close to a football expert so please forgive my generalizations (and possible mistakes) here....

“The clutch,” from my novice understanding, is when the quarterback has the ball and is under pressure from the opposing team's defensive line. Sometimes “the clutch” also refers to a situation in which little time remains on the clock, the team is behind in scoring and the quarterback needs to lead the way to pull out a win.

In the NPR story, quarterbacks who, like Manning, are known for thriving when in the clutch talk about operating from instinct.

The adrenaline is pumping and these quarterbacks don't recall going through a rational thought process in the moment-- their training, repeated practicing and body memory literally take over.

For Peyton Manning, and other quarterbacks who tend to succeed in the clutch, operating with automatic precision can mean a big win for the team as well as a boost to his (or her) stats and career.

When you or I go through life operating mainly by instinct, however, we can end up repeating and reinforcing habits that don't allow us to succeed or live the lives we desire.

Instinct or Intuition?
There is a difference between instinct and intuition.

Instinct is a survival reaction. The squirrels in my backyard instinctively gather nuts and food scraps from our compost heap when they sense an oncoming storm. When I have to slam on my car's breaks to avoid a collision, my arm instinctively flies out attempting to block my passenger from jolting forward.

Intuition, on the other hand, has been associated with thriving rather than surviving. Your intuition provides guidance and a sense of direction toward self-actualization.

For example, intuition comes into play as I feel drawn to take a different route home instead of my usual one.

In past blog posts, I've offered ways to tune in more clearly to your intuition and to take notice when fight or flight instincts kick in so that you can choose a different path if you'd like to.

When you react instinctively, there is an element of always having known how to react in such an occasion. Just like those clutch quarterbacks, you may not have even thought about it-- you just reacted.

Instincts are by no means bad. But there are times, particularly stressful or tense ones, in which you find yourself reacting instinctively and later regret the behavior or reaction.

You instinctively reach for a cigarette, a beer, a candy bar or the tv remote when you feel overwhelmed. Ingrained habits like these-- that are often linked in with addiction-- can appear to be instinctive over time.

We don't usually think about it too much, if at all, in the seconds before doing.

When you make the decision to change a habit or limiting way of thinking, it's instinct that can seem to stand in the way.

As committed as you might be to quitting smoking, drinking more moderately, stopping binge eating or even ceasing the hateful self-talk, it can feel impossible to do.

This is because all of these habits and ways of thinking, being and believing about yourself are all so practiced that they can appear to be instinctive.

Instinct Doesn't Have to Dominate
A significant first step in shaking loose the hold that instinct may seem to have over you is to recognize it for what it is.

Yes, there are times when an instinctive reaction can literally save your (or another's) life.

But, hopefully, these occasions will not be an everyday occurrence for you!

After you've made the intention to change a habit or belief, be on the lookout for instinctive moments. You can stay present and tuned in to your feelings and actually head off an instinctive reaction.

If you are struggling trying to stop smoking, even after that first draw on the cigarette, you can interrupt the habit and the instinctive reaction that brought it to your lips in the first place. Return to your commitment and make a deliberate decision about what your next move will be.

There are specific techniques, such as NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), that have been developed to help people change beliefs and habits. A trained practitioner can teach them to you.

These techniques actually re-program the brain. There is an element of going back to the past to heal or alter the behavior or belief involved as well.

You don't have to go through life regretting or being held back by reactive and instinctive behaviors and beliefs. Know that change of any kind is possible.

Tips to Overcome the Winter Blues: Alternative Health Remedies for SAD

2010-02-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What a blessing that the sun is actually shining on this bitterly cold February morning!

But, unfortunately, this is somewhat of an anomaly for winter. In the middle of the cold, stark and dark winter, it's easy to get the blues.

For seemingly no apparent reason, I get more fidgety than usual. It's as if I cannot stand another minute in the environment I find myself. I tend to be crabbier with my family and less tolerant than during other times.

Can this be chocked up to this season of frigid temperatures and little sun?

Experts say that yes, indeed, it can.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which also goes by the name of winter depression, is something that lots of folks experience. Approximately 10 million people, just in the U.S., feel the blues to such an extent that it has been given a medical diagnoses.

Some of the symptoms of SAD include the following: difficulties sleeping, difficulties getting out of bed, lethargy, despair, guilt, frequent irritation, lower sex drive, decreased productivity, weight gain, appetite changes and other indicators.

Of course, there is a difference between the blues and full-blown depression. There is even a difference between SAD and depression which is not relieved with the blooming of daffodils in the Spring.

*Please consult a health care practitioner if your blues, depression or SAD feels out of control or too overwhelming for you to handle by yourself. If you are considering hurting yourself or another person because of your current emotional state, I encourage you to seek help from a trained professional immediately.

Bring on the light

The relative absence of light and the sun during the winter months is believed to be the main culprit in the development of SAD and the winter blues.

We receive healthy doses of Vitamin D from the sunlight which helps our bodies absorb calcium, can lower cholesterol and can even possibly prevent the formation of cancerous tumors. Sunlight also stimulates the pineal gland which releases chemicals such as tryptamines (melatonin) which keeps our bodies regulated.

One natural way that SAD is treated is by increasing a person's exposure to light. Special artificial lights have been developed that simulate some of the beneficial effects of the sun.

Another suggestion, which may seem obvious, is to make the most of the winter sun that we do receive. On a day like today when the glorious sun is out and about, bundle up and get outside.

I know, it's cold out there. And, unfortunately, you won't receive Vitamin D from the winter sun as you will from the sun in other seasons. However, you might find that your mood brightens by soaking up the rays that are available to you.

Feel the feelings

I'm a big proponent of allowing the emotions that come up. Rather than searching for that immediate “cure” for the winter blues, it might be beneficial for you to give yourself permission and room to simply experience your feelings.

If you cry more often or feel more tired during the winter months, that can be okay.

I do not recommend that anyone stay in the blues (especially in depression), however. When you are stuck in the unhappy, dissatisfied and dismal place of SAD, you aren't going to be as effective at doing the things in life that you want to do.

Stay in touch with how you feel. If you tend to become listless and numbed during the winter, be aware of that tendency and make a date with yourself to check in at least once a day.

After giving yourself the time to be irritable, cry or whatever it is that you happen to be feeling, shake things up. Do something different for yourself.

This interruption of your usual pattern can be extremely helpful in leaving behind the blues and moving toward an improved state.

For example, if you notice that you turn to eating when you feel down, rather than attempting to eat your way out of SAD, choose a different activity instead. Visit a friend, look at a photography book with brightly colored flowers or beach scenes, plan your garden for Spring or whatever unusual action appeals to you.

Other alternative and natural remedies for SAD:

Take a Vitamin D supplement. Magnesium and Omega-3 oils are also helpful.
Try the herb St. John's Wort. This is a natural way to ease anxiety and depression.
Consider homeopathy. Mag Phos, Kali Phos and Nat Mur are sometimes a good match to SAD symptoms.*
Use the Bach Flower Essence Mustard.
Infuse more light, bright colors and green plants into your everyday surroundings.

When you find yourself dragging your way through winter, look around at all of the aspects of your life for which you are grateful. Challenge yourself to find 3 things each day that you genuinely appreciate.

As you appreciate, bask in those moments. Let that inner sense of light fill you and expand right along with it.

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*Homeopathic remedies can be tricky. Each remedy addresses a whole host of specific conditions. Research these remedies and try the one that seems to be the best fit for what you are experiencing.

Practice Makes...

2010-01-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Practice makes ~~perfect~~-- no, that's such a loaded word.

Practice helps bring about change, but it can be difficult to actually initiate and then stick to it.

I remember loathing sitting down at the piano each day to practice as I was growing up. This was most definitely a source of conflict between my mom and I.

Today, I goad my own self to practice various things and I experience similar, though internal, struggle.

For example, I'm all charged up about breathing lately.

I'm reading a wonderful book called Conscious Breathing: Breathwork for Health, Stress Release, and Personal Mastery by Gay Hendricks and I am convinced that, as the author asserts, the physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual aspects of my life can improve by breathing deeply, slowly and diaphragmatically more of the time.

The challenge is, I have pretty much always been a mouth breather. According to Hendricks (and my own observations), mouth breathing not only allows more unfiltered air into my body, it also tends to be shallower and limited to the chest.

Practicing conscious breathing has become a new goal for me. Each and every day-- throughout the day-- I am trying to remember to pause and pay attention to my breathing. When I do this, I deliberately breathe through my nose and drop my breath down.

As much as I want to re-learn how to breathe, life often comes swooping in and I find myself falling back into old patterns. I realize that I am sucking in air via my mouth when I get busy, stressed or am even just zoning out.

You might not care much about the way that you breathe. But it's quite likely that there are habits that you would like to change.

Practicing is the best way that I know of to bring about the change you seek.

Right now, you probably are hearing that amorphous “parent” out there telling you that it's time to practice which is absolutely the LAST thing you want to do.

I'm with you. At first glance, practice sounds like no fun, hard work and downright boring.

You are always practicing something.

When you really think about this, however, each one of us is always practicing something.

In the dictionary, the word “practice” is defined as: “a habitual or customary performance” and also as: “repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency.”

As you brush your teeth, you are practicing dental hygiene. When tell your children and your partner that you love them, you are practicing expressing how you feel.

When you tell yourself that you can't follow through with a particular aspiration because you are too old, don't have the right training or education or simply can't make room for that in your life...you are practicing.

We all practice behaviors, ways of being and beliefs all of the time.

So when you want to make a change, yet you feel resistant to actually incorporating this new way into your life, remind yourself that you already are practicing-- you are just practicing the habit that is holding you where you possibly no longer want to remain.

It's a mind game, I know.

But if re-thinking the whole notion of practice helps you to motivate yourself, why not try it?

Practice is a program or a re-programming.

As I sit here at my computer dealing with not enough sleep, a kid with a sore throat who needs my attention and an intention to accomplish a certain amount of work, I am given the opportunity to practice.

I can unconsciously rely on my accustomed manner of breathing to merely stay alive or I can create some space in my awareness for conscious breathing and potentially increase my vitality.

It's truly a moment-by-moment decision-making process.

As you know, with just about anything you've ever learned in your life, the more experience you have doing a new skill or action, the more naturally it happens for you.

Think of practice as a program that you are running in your mind/body. When you are trying to change an already established habit, it's a re-programming.

In either case, as you repeat this new or different way of being, thinking or acting, it becomes imprinted in your body memory. New neural connections can form in your brain as you practice this preferred habit.

Today I encourage you to recognize that all of your thoughts and actions are practices that you can choose to change or to continue, depending on what you desire.

It's up to you and your willingness to practice.

The Calm After the Storm

2010-01-25T07:55:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Sometimes there's nothing better than a deep and cleansing cry. It can shake things up and clear out all of that stuff that each of us needlessly carries around.

As adults, many of us don't give ourselves permission to cry.

Somewhere along the line the message was made known that crying is weak and “for babies.” This is especially the case for boys and men. But girls and women also receive similar messages.

We are subtly or overtly told that there is no room for crying in a successful, got-it-all-together kind of life.

Throughout my life I've been a “crier.”

When I was a young girl, I'd frequently cry and my mom would ask me “Amy, why are you crying?” My tearful response would often be, “I don't know.” Now that I know what I know about my past, I can guess about what the reasons might have been some of the time.

What I want to focus on here, however, is the wonderful release that can come after the tumult of a deep cry. I encourage each and every one of us to welcome this kind of crying when it arises.

To me, it is truly a calm after the storm.

In those moments after a deep cry, it's as if the world is somehow clearer and brighter and I am lighter inside. I feel cleaned out in many respects.

Yes, that difficulty or situation that led me to cry is possibly still unresolved, but somehow it all seems a little easier to face.

I believe that a deep, cleansing cry can be extremely helpful when we become stuck. It's too easy to settle in to a sense of dissatisfaction or powerlessness. We can become dull and begin to move (or not move) through life in a sort of robotic mode.

Allow the storm
This is why the upheaval-- that may be unpleasant and even unwanted-- can be so vital.

Even if you aren't a “crier,” let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. I cannot stress enough how important this is.

Too often, fear, anger, grief or other difficult emotions come up and we push them back down inside. “Who has time to get into all of that anyway?” your over-scheduled, full-to-the-brim mind might argue.

Even if you feel like you have the time, you might not want to experience the pain that these emotions threaten to bring with them. It might seem that you will lose yourself in the chasm of challenging feelings if you open the door to them.

I've certainly been there.

In just about every case, however, these feelings seep through anyway. You simply cannot hold at bay your sadness, fears, anger and grief. This can only intensify those difficult emotions and potentially manifest as stress and health problems (if they haven't already).

When you feel out of sorts, off your game or unhappy in some way, create the time and give yourself the space to explore your emotions.

I don't necessarily advise you to try to figure it all out from a thinking perspective. Instead, take a deep breath, open up to yourself and just let whatever is inside come out. You might use music, writing, dancing or another means to help yourself open up.

It is almost always the case that the storm within will not be more than you can handle. If it feels like too much or you are concerned that you will hurt yourself or another person, please seek help from a professional.

Appreciate the storm and the calm
As painful as it is for me to feel the feelings that usually accompany a deep cry, I can truly appreciate them and the whole process. My fears, anger and grief are a part of my human experience at this moment.

I can remind myself that I may not feel this way next month, next week or even tomorrow. And the sooner I allow the storm to move through me, the sooner I can open up to the release and the calm.

Of course, this build-up of difficult emotions and eventual intense release is not the progression that has to happen and it is not what happens every time I face a challenge.

There are occasions when I recognize that I am feeling a bit irritable, I explore what's going on, make possible changes, communicate with others involved and experience a release without any big storm.

It is not necessary to wait for the intensity to escalate to put into motion a clearing out and subsequent calm.

We can stay tuned in to how we each feel and give ourselves permission to explore beneath the surface of “feeling down” or “crabby” and then let whatever needs to come up and out do so.

It might be a gentle unfolding of emotion tied with realization and perhaps new (or renewed) commitments to how you want to live your life.

It might also be more tumultuous, filled with plenty of tears and other expressions of your feelings.

In both cases-- and those in between-- when you stop pushing down your feelings and, instead, allow it all to flow, you can enjoy a clearer, calmer and often happier life.

Response Time

2010-01-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What do you tend to do when faced with something unexpected and seemingly threatening in your life?

A neighbor is chewing you out about your dog's barking or the volume of your stereo.

A piece of plywood flies off a truck and into your lane of traffic as you drive down the highway.

Your partner fiercely disagrees with a major decision that you have made and is making his or her point known.

In situations like these, do you tend react to what's going on without much consciousness about it? If so, you are not alone.

It is quite natural-- and part of our survival instinct-- to flip into a reaction when startled or somehow triggered. It can seem unconsciously derived.

The trouble is, sometimes our reaction only intensifies a situation that already feels out of control, uncomfortable or even disturbing.

Often, when we later look back on what happened, we feel regret or may wonder, “What if I'd responded differently?”

The difference between a reaction and a mindful response can be huge.

Do you usually fight or flee?

In times of stress or perceived danger, the adrenaline kicks in and people tend to go into either a fight or a flight mode.

Physiologists note that, just as in the animal world, humans meet intense and unexpected stresses by either readying themselves to fight (which can include defended-ness, hostility or even aggression) or to flee (which can include literally leaving the scene or dissociating and “spacing out”).

For those of us who have experienced abuse or other trauma in the past, the tendency to fight or flee may be easily triggered by situations that do not appear to be stressful or potentially dangerous to others.

Most of us have developed a propensity to quickly flip into either a fight reaction or a flight reaction.

Think back to a recent event that happened in your life that felt to you unexpected or intensely stressful. Do you remember how you reacted to what was happening?

Becoming aware of what you usually do can help you make desired changes when future situations arise. Of course, when you are surprised you might react before you've hardly had the time to register the perceived threat.

By knowing that you have a tendency to fight or to flee, however, you can catch yourself mid-reaction, calm down and make decisions about how you really want to proceed.

Choice-Supporting Techniques

When you find yourself reacting to a situation that seems out of control, unexpected and potentially dangerous, creating space for choice is vital.

Coming back into your body and your center or ground are powerful tools that you can use-- especially in those most stressful moments-- to create that space for choice from which you can respond instead of react.

Several times a day, take just a few minutes to practice consciously bringing your attention back to this present moment and to yourself.

The more accustomed you are to re-centering and grounding, the easier it will be to return to those states when triggers come up.

I envision my center as approximately where my solar plexus chakra is located-- midway between the navel and the base of the sternum. Other people bring attention to their heart area.

Simply breathe deeply and focus your attention on that place within you that is your “center.” You don't have to be exact; figure out what works for you.

Another option, which is called grounding, is to really feel your feet on the ground; focus on the connection that your feet are making with the Earth as you breathe from your diaphragm.

What is most important to these practices is to figure out what helps you return to your body and self and then continue to do it.

You will know when you are centered and grounded because you will probably feel clearer, more relaxed and better able to focus on what's going on in the present moment.

The powerful thing about being centered and grounded more of the time, is that you can almost always make conscious choices about how to respond to what's going on in your life at the moment.

When a stressful situation comes up, remember to draw upon this new habit you've begun.

Each and every one of us always has choice-- we often forget that as a fight or flight reaction takes hold. Practice coming back to yourself and your center or ground and make choices that will direct you toward the future you desire.

The Courage to Be...

2010-01-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Today we celebrate the life and contributions to the world of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.

Although there were certainly scores of people who also articulated their visions for a fairer world and made deep sacrifices in order to bring about significant change, King's name is almost synonymous with the Civil Rights movement during the 1950s and 60s here in the U.S.

Over the course of his life, Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke many brave and stirring words that inspired hundreds of thousands of people. As he organized and led non-violent direct actions advocating desegregation and equal rights for African-Americans, he acted in ways that were indisputably courageous.

Do you consider yourself to be brave and courageous?

When I compare myself to someone like Martin Luther King, Jr., those words-- “brave” and “courageous”-- seem vastly inappropriate descriptions for what I do, where I've been and who I am right now.

After all, when is the last time that I faced down mobs of people who deem me to be inferior and even despicable solely because of the color of my skin? When is the last time that I spoke my truth in front of masses?

Never.

I'm starting to wonder, however, if this hesitation is somewhat of a cop-out. After all, when I belittle the challenges that I've overcome and I discount my own vision for the future, I am somewhat “off the hook.”

If I don't consider myself brave, I don't have to do more than just get by and try to maintain the status quo of my life.

Like me, you might look at someone like Martin Luther King, Jr. and balk at the idea of even considering your path in life or your contributions to the world to be as significant or courageous.

I'm not advocating a competition between any of us and someone like King. Instead, I'm suggesting that if we all can step up and acknowledge the ways that we have been and are courageous in our lives, perhaps we can nudge ourselves out of that status quo and take even more brave steps.

Who knows where this will lead us?

Bravery can take many forms.
As you might already know, there's not just one way to be brave. When you acknowledge your own courage-- in the past and present-- you can almost always step more fully into your own personal power.

It is from this place of empowerment, that you can find yourself making the changes that you never thought you'd successfully make. The closer you get to your vision, the more that you, those around you and the entire world can potentially benefit.

It all comes to down to this: When we each can stand fully and authentically in our own power, there's no need for any of us to put another down, battle over supposedly scarce resources or be anything less than loving and compassionate.

I encourage you to look at someone like Martin Luther King, Jr. and celebrate his courageous acts. Allow yourself to be inspired and to recognize that you are also courageous and brave, in your own way.

For example...

It can be brave to face the so-called mistakes of your past, forgive yourself and release them.

It can be brave to stop being a victim, to let go of the painful limits of this label and to forgive.

It can be brave to own up to a habit that you've developed that is mostly holding you back.

It can be brave to take steps toward changing that limiting habit-- even if it takes several tries.

It can be brave to speak your truth-- even if you believe that nobody else agrees with you.

It can be brave to speak your truth-- even if you think that nobody else is listening.

It can be brave to do the unexpected, the unapproved of or the unconventional thing when you are called to do it.

It can be brave to make peace with where you are and continue to line yourself up with the future you're dreaming about.

How can you more fully honor the ways in which you have been brave in the past? How can you honor the courageous words and actions that you are taking today?

What are the brave steps that you are inspired to take next?

“I Surrender”

2010-01-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

If you were a warrior on a battlefield or even playing chess or another board game, uttering the words “I surrender” would probably not be a desirable thing to do.

There is a definite association between surrendering and failure or weakness in predominant understandings of the concept.

Nobody wants to be considered weak or a loser.

In order to allow the kind of life and success that you want, however, surrender may be the key.

When conditions in your body, your relationships, your job, your bank account-- your life-- start to feel out of control and are not what you had in mind, you may try to force things back into“line.”

This is what I tend to do.

I find myself pushing against unseen forces that appear to be moving me in a direction that I do not want to go. Or, conversely, I attempt to wrestle my life along if what I want is not happening as quickly as I'd like it to-- or at all.

Just about every time that I've found myself in this “I will force my life to be the way I want it to be” mode, I become worn out and frustrated. This tactic simply does not work.

Many times, in fact, it only gets worse because of my pushing.

When I was taught to drive a car in snow and ice as a teenager, I learned a valuable, even life-saving, lesson. What my father made certain I understood was this: If the car that I'm driving begins to slip and slide, do NOT slam on the brakes and jerk the steering wheel in the opposite direction.

You were possibly taught this same winter driving lesson as well.

Instead, my father made me practice taking my foot off the gas, easing on the brake and gently steering in the direction my car is sliding. From there, the car can more effectively be re-directed back to the road or lane.

Thankfully, the other night when another car came donut-ing out of control into my lane on the highway, those ingrained lessons kicked in. I avoided an accident and didn't even skid or spin.

When you surrender, you release resistance.

You may feel like you slam on the symbolic breaks in your life when conditions feel frightening or unpleasant. Or, you might feel like you ram anything and everything out of your way at full speed trying to force movement when all feels stagnated.

In both cases, you are causing resistance.

Perhaps you butt heads with a person at work with whom you have to complete a project. You might storm around, sigh loudly or silently simmer about this entire situation.

Maybe you are concerned that, because the two of you are such a miserable team, the project will turn out poorly and this will reflect negatively on you. You are wanting to succeed and move up at work and this does not seem to be helping with that goal.

As you can guess, resisting where you are is not going usher in the improvements that you seek.

On the other hand, when you surrender, you release resistance in the form of all of those worries, limiting beliefs, fears and low expectations. You are no longer attempting to force anything at all about this situation.

The beauty and even magic is that it is almost always at this moment of surrender, that unexpected breakthrough moments happen. As you symbolically throw up your hands and let yourself go with the flow, it all-- somehow-- turns out.

Quite often, it all turns out even better than you expected.

Life can come together for you when you stop pushing against. Your dreams can manifest when you no longer force them and, instead, allow them to happen.

When you surrender, you place trust in the Universe.

Ok, so does surrendering to the flow of life mean that we should all just sit around and do nothing?

Of course not.

There is a huge difference between surrender and ambivalence. You can have a very clear and defined focus about where you'd like to go and what you'd like to do with your life.

Rev up your excitement about whatever makes your heart sing. Dream your dreams in high-color and vivid detail.

Then it's time to turn it all over to the Universe.

Whether you look to God, Goddess, Allah, the Universe, Source, Great Spirit or another higher power, allow that presence to provide. Create space so that you can listen for guidance and cues about when it's time to act and when it's time to wait and be patient.

I know, this isn't always the easiest thing to do because it requires trust. It also requires an inner assertion that you are worthy of what you seek-- whether it's happiness, a sense of fulfillment, health and vitality or love.

Give yourself those gifts of trust and worthiness and, as you do, surrender to what life has in store for you. It may surprise and delight you-- if you let it.

Intuition or Something Else?: How to Tell the Difference Between the Various Voices in Your Head

2010-01-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Recently, I re-watched the late 1980s movie “Field of Dreams.” In the film, Kevin Costner plays a somewhat new-to-the-vocation farmer in Iowa named Ray. One day, as he stands tending the corn in his fields, he hears a voice call to him: “If you build it, he will come.”

Ray ignores the voice, jokes with his wife and daughter about it and loses sleep over it. The voice doesn't give up! Finally, a vision of a baseball field right in the middle of his corn crop accompanies the words.

And so begins Ray's weird and wonderful journey to plow under a significant portion of his crops and build a baseball field on part of his land. If you've seen the movie, you already know that “they”-- meaning baseball players from just before the 1920s who were banned from the game-- did indeed come and play ball on Ray's field.

Along this amazing journey, Ray faces inner doubt as well as apprehension and even derision from others. He takes financial and emotional risks and he is never assured that this will come out okay in the end.

But he does it anyway.

Voices in our heads
Perhaps you've never heard actual voices in your head as Ray did. You may, however, have felt a pull or a strong impulse to make a different than usual choice.

Sometimes this pull leads you toward outcomes that are pleasing and expansive. Other times, they don't appear to be positive at all.

Quite often, it can become confusing to really determine whether the impulse you are called to follow is truly intuitive or if it comes from something else.

There is a significant difference between intuitive inner information and the thoughts or beliefs that derive from fears, anger, desire for escape or other urges.

In order to thrive and expand in desired ways, it's vital that you learn how to tell the difference.

As you might have already discovered from your own experiences, when your actions are driven by worried, fearful or lack-based impulses, you often end up in the unsatisfactory places that you've been before-- or maybe even places that seem worse!

On the other hand, when you trust an intuitive pull, just about every time you feel improvements. They might not come immediately, but the steps you take based on the call from your intuition moves you closer to where you want to be.

Differentiate, Trust and Take Action
Two ways to tell the difference between the intuitive “voices” and those others that are based in such things as fear, lack, anger or escape, is to pay attention.

Start to notice the emotions and overall mood that accompany a particular compulsion arising within you.

For example, if you feel drawn to quit your job and open a cafe, are you mainly feeling beaten down by your current work situation and just want to get out? Or, are you mostly excited about the prospect of owning your own eatery?

The way that you feel is key!

If you find that your primary motivator at the moment seems to be upset about your present job, I don't necessarily recommend that you immediately abandon the aspiration to open a cafe. It just may not be the right time to take action.

Intuitive voices usually occur alongside feelings of excitement, eagerness, invigoration and often a sense of certainty or knowing.

Of course, as certain as Ray in “Field of Dreams” was that he had to take action and build that baseball field, he also encountered moments of doubt, worry and mistrust.

This can make for a confusing ride.

But when those doubts arise, return to your inner self. Take a deep breath and see if you can tap into those excited and eager feelings. Remember why you chose to follow your intuition in the first place.

As long as you can reach into that reservoir of hopefulness and vision within, it is probably wise to continue along this path. If not, you might decide to alter your course or to pause and take no further action for a period of time.

Practice tuning in to your guiding impulses in everyday moments.

As you are out driving, do you feel drawn to take a different street or highway than you usually do? If so, chances are there's a reason. Take that different route and see what happens.

Notice how it feels to act on a worrisome urge as opposed to an intuitive pull. How do the outcomes usually differ?

Following your intuition can seem like handing over the reins of control to your life. This is uncomfortable for many people, including me.

Keep breathing and tuning in to the way that you feel.

Make mental note when you take action on an intuitive pull and it has pleasing results. This can help you to more fully trust in the process and to know that we all truly do live in a benevolent and supportive Universe.

“Don't Mumble Your Life Away...”

2010-01-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

As I hang up my brand-new calendar for 2010 and prepare to welcome in a fresh decade, I can't help but think about what I want to do differently in the coming year.

Yes, I'm thinking about New Year's resolutions.

You might be doing the same thing. Many of us greet the new year with hopeful and ambitious lists of undesirable habits we're finally going to kick and the new, healthier ones we're going to adopt instead.

And many of us do begin to make changes-- at least for a little while. Sometimes we make a few changes but then fall back into those “bad” habits and tendencies after a period of time.

When the months fly by and we find ourselves back to late December again facing those same old limiting ways of reacting to life, it can feel frustrating, irritating and downright depressing.

This year, I'm re-thinking the whole New Year's resolutions thing. Instead of only focusing in on what I'm planning to change for the upcoming year, I'm going to devote significant attention to what I want to keep on doing.

Rather than my usual intention to throw out the old while resolving to re-fashion the bulk of the way I live my life, I'm going to create space for honoring where I am and what I'm doing that IS working the way that I want it to.

I actually believe that approaching a new year-- a new decade even-- from a base of acknowledgment and self-appreciation will help me to more effectively move into the changes that I desire. These changes may even come about with greater ease and be longer-lasting.

A funny thing about making changes...

Of course, I'm aware that my diet could use some cleaning up, I continue to be a bit of a perfectionist and my sense of patience with others can certainly use some bolstering.

There are tons of things about my usual habits that I'd like to improve upon.

What I've found in the past, however, is that I'm more motivated to take a risk and respond in a different way-- especially when it comes to well-practiced habits-- when I am in a place of honoring and appreciation.

My friend Mollie Hannon has been talking with some friends and I about the importance of making completions for the current year before moving on to the next. She even found a wonderful ritual online to do so.

Perhaps doing a completion ritual like this that involves you acknowledging the strides that you made toward your goals will help you to better appreciate where you are.

You might not be absolutely happy with what you achieved or did in 2009, but when you really stop and look at where you've been and where you are right now, there are bound to be some healthy and pleasing aspects about you and the choices that you've made.

By all means, make that list of what you aspire to do differently and what you want to manifest in the coming year and beyond.

But be sure to also include on that list what you intend to keep on doing, what you can appreciate about your current habits.

Build on all of those beneficial practices that you might not be noticing-- or giving yourself credit for. If you can't think of anything to include on a list like this, look harder.

Use your list of acknowledgments and self-appreciations as a sort of launch pad to propel yourself toward the future of your dreams. You might just be closer than you think

Let Your Light Shine

2009-12-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It's all about the light.

I love December. We live in a world where there is plenty of conflict and outright war due, in large part, to people believing that their religious beliefs are the only valid path.

But, if you really look at these so-called divisions and conflicts, we really aren't that far apart after all. The many December holidays underscore my point.

I'm not a theological scholar; but, it's undeniable that, as diverse as the major religions are, there are also symbols, messages and themes that interconnect them all.

Interwoven throughout many religious stories at this cusp of Winter is the imagery of light.

We are being called to open up to the light within us and let it shine as we celebrate the specific holidays and perform the rituals of our choosing.

To me, shining inner light isn't about trying to make others believe exactly the way that I do (or that you do).

Instead, it is a radiating of the love, sense of peace and compassion that might (or might not) be a reflection of those same qualities found in a wise teacher or even God, Goddess, Spirit, or Higher Power whom might have another name according to your beliefs.

Winter Solstice or Yule
Of course, the importance of light can be traced to more scientific-historical roots. As the daylight grew shorter in the Northern hemisphere, sources theorize that early Europeans may have been fearful. The importance of the light and the sun was probably understood. For this reason, rituals were performed in an effort to ensure the return of the sun and the light.

The Winter Solstice, also known as Yule, is the birth of a new solar year. From the day after the Winter Solstice in December up until the Summer Solstice in June, the daylight hours will steadily continue to increase.

From this darkest day-- the Winter Solstice-- we find the birth of a “new sun” and, therefore, a renewed light. This notion of light can easily be felt and understood from a spiritual and personal growth perspective as well.

Today many people all over the world celebrate the Earth and its turning wheel of auspicious days, including the Winter Solstice around December 20-22. Many derivatives of ancient rituals are continued.

In past years, for example, my family and I have joined with friends for wonderful Winter Solstice bonfires.

Christmas
It is well-documented that the December 25th Christmas holiday was originally begun as an effort to convert pagan Romans to Christianity around the 4th Century of the Current Era.

The birth of Jesus, which Christmas celebrates, was actually not on December 25th and may have occurred in March, November or September instead.

Aside from these historical assertions, however, I still find many aspects of Christmas to be uplifting and worth commemorating.

In the New Testament of the Bible, Jesus' birth is spoken about as a light coming into the darkness of the world. There was, of course, also the fabled light from the Star of Bethlehem that led shepherds and wise men to bring gifts and witness the arrival of this “prince of peace.”

Although my spiritual beliefs are more eclectic now, I remember attending Christmas Eve church services each year growing up. There was a palpable sacred sense of connection and inspiration as we all stood with lit candles in the darkened church singing “Silent Night.”

My family and I still share those songs and the story of Christmas together.

Pancha Ganapati
When my youngest son was around 4 years old, he discovered the Hindu god Ganesh. I do not remember exactly how he was introduced to this half-elephant, half-boy god who is known for removing obstacles as well as dancing and merriment, but my son developed a great affinity for Ganesh.

In honor of this affinity, I did some research and found the holiday Pancha Ganapati that modern Hindus living in the West created to honor Ganesh.

From December 21-25 daily rituals are performed around an altar for Ganesh. Different colored cloths are placed on the altar and sweet offerings are left for his enjoyment. The family gathers by the altar to Ganesh and meditates together each evening.

Pancha Ganapati, as you might expect, ties in wonderfully with the theme of light. Just as light starts from a source and radiates out to others, so too do the meditative intentions of this Hindu holiday.

On the first day of Pancha Ganapati, each person meditates on resolving conflict and cultivating harmony, peace and love within him or herself and then between family members. The second day is an expansion of that energy of harmony, peace and love out to friends and extended family.

The vibration of light, love and peace is then extended to the community and those with whom we do business on the middle two days. Then, on the final day of Pancha Ganapati, all of that wonderful love and harmony are sent out to the entire world and all of its inhabitants.

No matter what religion or spirituality you follow, you can tap into the inspiration and imagery of light that pervades throughout various beliefs this time of year.

Feel into yourself and cultivate that light, love and sense of peace that is you and is also greater than you and let it shine forth.

The Ghosts of Christmases Past

2009-12-18T08:26:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I tend to get really stressed out around the holidays. And I often can't figure out exactly why.

Yes, I have extra shopping to do, baking, wrapping and traveling added to my already busy schedule. But still, my levels of tightness and tension don't seem to match even those added activities and responsibilities.

Earlier this week, as I laid in a restorative yoga pose designed to open up my chest, I finally understood.

The ghosts of my Christmases past were rattling chains-- and me.

As much as I so want to feel merry and bright all of the time during the holiday season, memories of particular aspects of my past Christmases re-emerge on the outskirts of my awareness and seem to really mess things up!

As I've written in previous blogs, I experienced very blessed holidays growing up filled with plenty of presents, tasty treats and lots of love and attention. What I also experienced during a particular time in my formative years was sexual abuse.

For decades now, I've been healing, learning and growing in terms of the abuse that happened. I no longer live with frequent flashbacks and other unpleasant side effects from the past trauma.

For this I am grateful.

But what I realized while in that wonderfully opening restorative yoga pose was that these ghosts of my past are intensifying my stress-- they are even a primary contributor to it. My habit of ignoring these ghosts or shoving them down is what heavily contributes to my overall sense of overwhelm and my seeming inability to fully enjoy my family, friends and celebrations during the holiday season.

Just as Ebenezer Scrooge's ghosts torment and won't leave him alone, so too do my ghosts...until I finally open up and let them in, acknowledge all of the ways that I'm feeling and offer myself extra care.

Allow space for both the sad and the glad.

You might not have had the same kind of experiences that I have had in the past. Your ghosts might be recollections of parents arguing and storming out of the house, alcohol or drug abuse around you, not having many (or any) gifts, parties and fun or other challenges.

Your ghosts might not be from your childhood. It could be that an unpleasant or unhealthy current situation rattles its chains loudly and jarringly.

What is common for quite a few of us is that we want to join in with the revelry and the potential joyousness of the holidays and we try really really hard to do so. But it just doesn't work when we also feel upset, depressed or off-kilter somehow.

I suggest that we all grant ourselves permission to feel what we're feeling-- every bit of it.

You can still attend parties and visit with loved ones. You can sing carols, light candles and exchange presents.

At the same time, you can allow time in your schedule to let in your ghosts. Just as Ebenezer Scrooge discovered, there were valuable and freeing lessons available to him when he followed his ghosts.

Yes, the ghosts were scary. Yes, the images weren't necessarily comfortable or pleasant to experience and re-experience.

But as Scrooge let them in-- the ghosts and the lessons-- he was finally able to tap into more generosity, expansiveness and elation than he'd probably ever imagined possible for himself.

This is what I'm doing for myself this holiday season that's different from recent years. I am opening up and creating space for my ghosts of Christmases past, when they decide to re-emerge.

I am allowing all of my feelings and memories-- even the ones that aren't happy. I know that as I stop resisting what's uncomfortable and I begin to open up to it all, the ghosts can more easily move through me rather than become stuck and grow even bigger than they were.

I already feel lighter, freer and better able to enjoy these moments of merriment and celebration. I wish the same for each and everyone of you.

Relax, Renew and Restore this Holiday Season

2009-12-13T16:24:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

One of my favorite personal holiday traditions is to take a restorative yoga class.

If you haven't heard of restorative yoga, let me clarify. This doesn't feel like much of a class where one must study, concentrate or work hard.

Instead, it is an experience that is truly a treat. It is also one way that I relax, renew and restore my body, mind and soul during the often hectic holiday season.

During a restorative yoga class, props such as bolsters and blankets are used to support the body as fully as possible. Practitioners lay in particular poses on the floor, recline over a bolster with their feet up a wall, or even drape themselves over the seat of a folding chair.

This might sound awkward or difficult, but with the assistance of props and skilled instructors, my body feels gently stretched and almost instantly better able to relax. I always leave a restorative yoga session feeling simply blissed out!

A yoga studio in my city, Yoga on High, offers restorative yoga classes throughout the year. My husband and I create the time to enroll in one during December as a holiday present to ourselves...and to those around us because we always feel so ease-ful afterwards!

Stress mounts within just about all of us this time of year. As holly jolly as we might want to feel, grumpiness can develop and our shoulders tighten right along with it.

You probably already know the detrimental effects of stress on your body, mind and relationships. Stress can contribute to strain and conflict between you and those you love. It can also make you physically sick.

For this reason, I encourage everyone to make relaxing and renewing a priority-- right up there with getting your holiday cards in the mail.

If the idea of restorative yoga doesn't appeal to you, open up to other ways to relax.

I posted a list of what I call “wellness intentions” on a cork board by my bed so that every day I am reminded of my priority to incorporate relaxation into my life. Included on this list are: meditating daily and doing yoga and cardiovascular exercise several times each week.

Your wellness intentions might be very different than mine.

For example, you might not practice meditation, but you can choose to put your lists away, turn off your phone, tv and computer for even 5-10 minutes and just breathe. It's amazing how just breathing can help to loosen tension and open you up to relaxation and renewal.

Believe it or not, paying attention to what you eat and drink is another way to restore yourself.

Of course, just about all of us indulge in foods and drink we might not normally partake (or consume as much of) at holiday parties. I suggest that you join in with these celebrations and savor those food and drink treats as you desire.

But be sure that you are also treating yourself to plenty of water and whole foods the rest of the time. You might include green foods such as spirulina or wheatgrass in a smoothie to boost your immune system and enrich your body.

Give yourself the gift of relaxation this year for the holidays. Make a commitment to yourself to develop your own wellness intentions that can help your body, mind and spirit stay renewed and restored.

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*For more information about Restorative Yoga, you can visit these sites:

Restorative Yoga for Body and Mind-- General Information

Videos About Restorative Yoga

Directory of Restorative Yoga Instructors

The Art of Giving

2009-12-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

The letters from wonderful organizations that benefit communities across the globe, homeless people and animals in my city and the environment stuff my mailbox lately. Invitations to volunteer my time or donate money are abundant.

In addition to this is the list of gifts I'm in the process of purchasing for family members. Trips to various stores and online shopping are part of my already busy day.

There is no doubt about why December is often called the “Season of Giving.”

I think that giving is a wonderful act. It can be a beautiful way to reach out and connect with another being. The exchange that happens when a gift (in material or non-material form) is given from the heart and received with openness and gratitude is one of the most powerful moments a person can experience.

But, as you might already know, giving can also feel like a drain. The prospect of giving can dredge up old feelings and beliefs that might link to a lack mindset or other issues.

A ton of “shoulds,” worries, guilt and competitiveness can easily attach to the act of giving...and strip away that powerful sharing and exchange that's possible.

I remember well the first time I gave my husband H (short for Henry) a gift just about 17 years ago. We'd only been dating for a month or so and he'd been across the country for about half that time. But it was clear to me that he and our burgeoning relationship felt right; and so, when his birthday arrived, I decided to give him a gift.

After arriving back to my apartment from picking him up at the airport, I presented H with wrapped up wind chimes that I'd found at a little shop.

Well, let me clarify that... I just about threw the gift onto his lap and then fled the room!

I absolutely wanted to give this special guy in my life a gift and to honor his birthday. But I pretty much obliterated the potential for connection and celebration in that moment by not staying present for the exchange.

While you may never have thrown your gift at the recipient and ran from the room, you may not often practice the kind of giving that will encourage the sharing and experience you'd like.

Give mindfully.
It doesn't matter whether you surprise those for whom you are buying or doing or you receive a list of what they'd like, you can still be mindful about your giving.

Tune in to the person who will be receiving your gift and pull up in your mind what you appreciate about him or her. This awareness can guide you.

If this is someone who you feel obligated to give to, this might prove challenging. You could ask yourself if you are really willing to give at this time. If your answer is “no,” perhaps the consequences will be uncomfortable, but your sense of integrity will remain intact.

If your answer is “yes,” return to your image of this person and find one thing that you can appreciate about him or her. From those feelings of appreciation, proceed with the giving.

This can make a huge difference!

Remember, you always get to choose what, how much and whether you will give at all in a particular situation. Stay open to the multitude of possibilities that are available to you.

Give freely.
From this attitude of openness and mindfulness, you can give freely. This means no strings attached.

This can also be a challenge.

I know that, from time to time, I am one who falls into the trap of “keeping score.” I give to another person and, even though I don't like to admit it, a part of me notices whether I receive a comparable gift from the one to whom I gave.

I am usually able to quell this urge to compare and compete, but it is present.

If you also have a tendency to give with “strings” or with expectations of a return of some sort, be aware of it. These thoughts will stand in the way of your giving experience.

After realizing that you are “keeping score,” breathe and be gentle with yourself. This habit will only grow if you use it as an excuse to criticize yourself.

Instead, shift your focus back to your intention. Is it your intention to give the gift in order to enrich this other person's life? Were you wanting to honor this person or symbolically demonstrate that you care about him or her through your action or present?

Continue to return to your primary intent, whatever that might be. Chances are, it relates to sharing a connection.

Give joyfully.
Gift-giving is potentially a joyful, exuberant and celebratory act-- if you let it.

Allow yourself to join in with the anticipation that the other person might be feeling wondering what is wrapped up in this brightly-colored package. Feel the sense of hope and support that people in a faraway country might be experiencing as they benefit from the medical supplies, trees or other aids that your donation helped provide.

Dive in with joy to the act of giving

The Art of Receiving

2009-12-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Are you uncomfortable or even resistant to receiving?

During this time of year in which gifts are often exchanged, are you most focused in on the giving?

It's quite likely that you are. When I think about giving and receiving, giving comes out as somehow more important in my mind.

We tend to live in a culture skewed against receiving.

“It's better to give than to receive.” was probably taught to most of us growing up in our families, churches or schools. The stigma of those enrolled in low-income public assistance programs is still present today-- what about those proverbial bootstraps we're all supposed to pull ourselves up by?

Even when it comes to favors, there's a common discomfort when someone has done something helpful or nice for you and you haven't had a chance to reciprocate, or the person won't seem to allow it.

It's quite apparent that not only have the majority of us learned that it is more virtuous and noble to give than it is to receive, there can be a touch of superiority attached to the act of giving.

Don't get me wrong here. Giving is a potentially wonderful act. It is vital to our world and is admirable when freely and mindfully practiced.

My point is that if you close yourself to receiving, you're missing out...and I don't just mean on all of those presents and favors either.

When you resist the receiving part of the giving-receiving exchange, you block the flow of life. You also short-circuit a potential connection with another person or group of people when you close down to receiving.

In addition to cultural reasons is the unfortunate fact that deep down, many of us feel unworthy of what's being offered. This might be experienced as an urgency to prove ourselves or maybe a sense of shame about who we are.

So here we tend to be, caught among wanting to feel noble and appropriate by mostly giving, battling with our perception of unworthiness and-- at the same time-- wanting improvements in our lives.

We can't figure out why the relationships, the financial situation, the career or the overall experience of life we want don't come to us when we're working so hard and giving so much.

Here's probably why...it's because we aren't allowing ourselves to receive it.

Consciously shift into a receiving state.
If you can identify these tendencies within yourself and you'd like to more fully open to the flow of life, set an intention to do so and then follow through.

Become aware of the thoughts, beliefs and habits that you tend to use as barricades to receiving. What do they look and sound like? When do they tend to surface most intensely?

Use this information to begin to interrupt yourself when you start to shrink back from a desirable offer of help from a friend or even a compliment. During each opportunity to receive, invite yourself to open up a little bit more than you usually do to what is being given.

You can practice this several times a day.

When a family member gives you a hug, consciously relax and open yourself up more fully to the love and physical contact that's being offered. If a neighbor wants to carry your groceries to your home, give yourself permission to say yes if you choose it.

Bring your attention and awareness into this present moment and be a full participant in the sharing that's happening right now. Whether you're opening a gift, sharing a kiss, listening to another person's words or allowing a helpful gesture, engage as you receive.

As you shift into a receiving state, you can still decide to say no or decline a gift. It's up to you to decide which offerings, words or gifts are in alignment with what you truly want.

I encourage you, however, to make potentially receiving your “default” state and approach to life. The positive effects can be amazing!

“It's the most wonderful time of the year...”???

2009-12-04T07:19:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Jack works hard so that his family can live comfortably. He works long days at the office and then attends to his wife's “honey do” list when he gets home. To Jack, all of his efforts seem to go unnoticed by his family.

What he wouldn't give for just a little appreciation for all that he does; some morsel of support wouldn't hurt either!

Have you ever felt like Jack in your relationships?

It seems to you that you work and you sacrifice for your family, your partner or even your friendship and nobody gives you thanks for your efforts. In fact, it may even feel as if you're being taken for granted much of the time.

Wanting to feel appreciated and supported are common experiences for people in relationships.

When you don't feel supported or appreciated by those close to you, resentment and anger can quickly develop. As you probably already know, resentment and anger usually lead to tension and disconnection between you and the people you care about.

You might feel stuck.

You really want to feel that sense of support and gratitude from others, but you don't want to make waves. You might even acknowledge that your partner or others in your relationship are also working hard-- it's not just you who is sacrificing.

So now you may feel resentful and guilty at the same time. This is a downward spiral that isn't going to help you build a healthier, closer and more satisfying relationship!

Instead, try these suggestions...

*Treat yourself the way that you want the other person to treat you.

Too many times we rely on the people around us to fill a void within that we are unwilling to fill for ourselves. This might include: not honoring your true desires, saying yes or no in certain situations just because you think you “should” or putting your physical health on hold in order to care for others.

How can you begin to create an environment of greater support for yourself?

Make a list of specific ways that you want to feel supported and appreciated and then start treating yourself accordingly. Of course, you want those close to you to positively add to this supportive environment-- but you can lead the way and be responsible for your own well-being too.

*Be honest and request what you want from the other person.

You can state your request for more support and appreciation in ways that actually bring you closer to the person or people in your relationships.

You might say, “I know that we've both been burning the candle at both ends lately. I'd like us to talk about ways that we can more fully support each other and connect. Here's one way that I'd like to be supported.... How can I better support you?”

*Express your appreciation for the other person.

Quite often, we can become caught up in the unsatisfactory ways that we are being treated and do not realize that we are engaging in the same behaviors. If you want more appreciation, give more appreciation-- both to yourself and to the other person.

In just about every case, what you put out comes back to you multiplied.

*Notice the improvements.

When you feel lack, it can be easy to fall into the trap of only seeing the lack. It could be that your partner does show you appreciation, for example, but you can't see it because you are focusing only on what he or she is doing that seems wrong or neglectful.

Sometimes the appreciation or support comes in “little” acts or words that can easily be overlooked.

Be aware of what the other person is doing that helps you feel supported. You can always thank the person for his or her efforts and then ask for specific changes, if necessary.

*Keep yourself in an open and receiving mode.

Even as we might crave more support and appreciation in our relationships, many of us walk around closed down and, consequently, we limit what we can receive from others.

People close to us may actually be trying to give us what we desperately want, but we can't let it in.

Your kids might see you as infallible and able to do it all, because that's the outward “mask” you usually wear. Maybe they've even offered to help you in the past but, for one reason or another, you sent the message that you will carry the load all by yourself.

Now that you want support or appreciation, it's not there and you can't figure out why.

Be willing to ask for help, support and the thanks that you desire-- and then be willing to receive it.

The sharing that can happen as you communicate what you want and then stay open to receive it can be amazing.

Rev Up Intimacy and Passion in Your Relationship

2009-11-25T07:39:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

“Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better”-- The Beatles

In their classic song, “Hey Jude,” The Beatles sang this message so clearly.... If you want more passion and intimacy in your relationships, open up your heart and let others in.

This week I've been writing about how to improve your relationships. When it comes to interacting with others, things can become rather dull and routine. Deepening and enlivening your connection with others is a fabulous way to improve your relationships.

And I'm not just talking about your love relationship or marriage.

There is a potential for close, engaging and alive interactions with every person you encounter...if you want it and if you open up to it.

Ok, there are probably people that you work with, see regularly or are even related to with whom you don't want to be close. For some reason, you might feel uncomfortable with a deep level of intimacy (or any intimacy at all) with these particular people.

That's perfectly fine. This is your decision.

But when you look around at your relationships with your partner, children, extended family and friends and few, if any, of those relationships match up to the level of passion and intimacy that you desire, it's time to look inside.

The walls can come tumbling down...
A big reason why many of us aren't feeling fully alive and engaged with the relationships that we're in is because on some level we have built up walls. Through years of experience, a lot of us have erected symbolic walls to keep other people at a distance.

Keeping others at “arm's length” may have been a sort of survival strategy that made sense and even served you at one point in your life. If you feel dissatisfied and want more now, however, it's time to reconsider that strategy.

Which people in your life are you ready to open up to just a little bit more?

You could set an intention to rev up the intimacy in your love relationship, for example. And this doesn't just mean sex!

When you open up to deeper intimacy, you are allowing this other person to see sides of you that you might have previously kept hidden-- even if you've been together for many many years. There could be more or different physical touching and sharing involved as well.

Stay aware of how you tend to interact with the other person in the relationship upon which you are focusing.

Where do you usually hold back? At what point during conversations and physical interaction (which could include everything from hugs, kisses, pats on the back to lovemaking) do you freeze up and hide behind that wall?

It is at this place of holding back, where you can make a decision to try something new. Give yourself permission to expand beyond your normal level of intimacy even just a little bit. This can happen in steps.

Pay attention to how it feels to deepen intimacy in this new way. How does it feel in your body? What do you notice about how the other person responds?

Remember, an internal wall can take some time to dismantle so be gentle with yourself.

Lust for life...
Another way to rev up intimacy and passion in your relationships is to let yourself fall in love with life. It is frequently the case that a person's relationships seem dull and lifeless because that's the way the person sees his or her life overall.

You can breathe new life into your relationships by consciously becoming more passionate about what you do, who you are and where you are right now. You can also get pumped up about where you are headed.

There are always things that we'd like to change, improve and to be different about ourselves and our lives-- including our relationships. To encourage those positive changes, you could look for those aspects that stir you and cause your heart to sing.

Get passionate about yourself and your life and then allow that excitement and zing to expand. It will undoubtedly help you breach those walls to intimacy within yourself and make it easier for you to move closer to the people in your life.
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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

“Magical” Communication Solutions for Difficult Relationship Moments

2009-11-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This week's blog posts are centered on improving your relationships. Paying attention to how you interact and connect with or disconnect from the people around you is an integral part of your personal growth.

We all fall into habits in our relationships that often correspond with the inner habits we maintain. Some of these habits support the growth and expansion that we want and others are mainly obstacles.

As the holidays approach, your habits that tend to stand in the way of relationship and personal growth can become intensified and even inflated.

Yes, Thanksgiving and the various December holidays such as Hanukkah, Yule and Christmas are times of gratitude, giving, celebration and togetherness.

But we can all probably attest to the fact that these holidays can also be quite stressful. Old wounds that have never been given the chance to heal can become re-inflamed as you see a family member with whom you share a challenging past. In the flurry of shopping and parties, tensions between even the closest friends can rise and hurt feelings can be triggered.

The manner in which we communicate is often a barometer for how stressed out and tense we feel.

We might find ourselves saying something hurtful or harsh to a person we care deeply about. We may lash out verbally at a mate, child, co-worker or friend who has very little or nothing at all to do with why we feel strung out or angry.

This is unfortunate and it is also something that just about every one of us does from time to time. Becoming aware of how you are feeling and actually listening to your inner needs for relaxation and release can help prevent these uncomfortable and even regrettable moments.

The great news is, the ways that we communicate-- even about difficult topics-- can be the means by which connection and closeness and personal growth happen.

Taking care of your feelings and needs rather than shoving them aside is a wonderful first step to improving communication with others.

A second step is setting an intention (and then remembering it) to communicate to connect. Too many times, the underlying aim of communication becomes to prove a point or to be “right.”

One person becomes attached to how “right” his or her perspective seems and then the conversation becomes all about justifying that position instead of offering up a particular view and then listening to what the other person has to say.

The sharing and connection get lost when “rightness” is the intention.

There are probably times when you truly want to communicate to connect with another person, but you also want to be certain that your voice is heard and acknowledged. You can absolutely do both!

Relationship coaches and authors Susie and Otto Collins have written an e-book titled: Magic Relationship Words which includes 101 words and phrases that are designed to encourage connection, honesty and openness in your communication.

Here are a couple of “magic” words from their e-book that you might try in your relationships:

* “Please tell me more...”
How many times have you made up a big story in your head about something another person said to you that seemed vague and confusing? Perhaps your story about what you think was meant left you feeling upset, fearful or angry-- and you don't even know if your understanding is accurate!

When you realize that you are starting to fill in blanks and make up stories about what another person said, stop yourself and go to the person. Ask him or her to “Please tell me more...” about the statement.

This request for more information can potentially save you both from inner turmoil and relationship conflict.

* “I feel...”
“I feel” statements have been around for a long time. They are so potentially powerful in relationship communication that I think they bear repeating again.

For example, you can tell your partner that his or her flirting is “making me insecure or worried that an affair is going on.” Chances are, this statement will trigger defensiveness in your mate which can shut down communication quite quickly.

Instead, you might say something like: “I feel insecure and worried that you may be having an affair when I see you flirt.” It is a subtle change. Your partner will probably not be overjoyed to have this conversation with you, but the emphasis is different.

With these “magic” words, you are taking ownership for how you are feeling AND you are bringing attention to a situation that is troubling you. A greater sense of openness is introduced into an otherwise disconnecting context.

From this point, you can listen to what your partner has to say, possibly ask questions for deeper understanding and then possibly create some agreements.

Connecting communication in relationships may not occur as instantaneous as any of us would like.

Yes, it does take both inner listening and also a willingness to practice engaged listening with the other person. But the effects of working through a challenge or conflict with a sense of integrity, cooperation and closeness can truly feel magical.

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Improve Your Relationships...and Watch Your Personal Growth Soar

2009-11-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This is a blog about personal growth, right? So why am I writing about relationships this week?

It's because-- as you possibly already know-- relationships play an integral role in your personal growth.

The relationships we have with our partner, children, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others can be the means by which we continue to bang up against the same wall and stay stuck in the muck of limiting habits OR they can promote our learning and expansion on personal as well as relational levels.

Perhaps you have struggled with insecurity for as long as you can remember.

If so, your uncertain and probably overly-critical view of yourself undoubtedly shows up in various ways in your relationships. Maybe you are frequently jealous around your partner. You possibly feel stuck in a job with little or no respect and a low paycheck to match. You might feel bullied by a difficult neighbor.

If you take a bird's eye view of your entire life, you can trace lines of connection between you-- your biggest challenges-- and the people with whom you spend your time.

Because there is such a strong link between your personal growth (including the apparent obstacles to it) and your relationships with others, tune in. When stress and tensions mount, take a deep breath and open up to what you can learn from this relationship in this moment.

Here are some possible types of lessons...

The lesson of reflection

No, I do not mean that when your child throws a fit at the shopping mall, his or her behavior is a reflection of the “bad” parent you are!

What I do mean is that every person in your experience can be seen as a mirror of some aspect of you. Maybe your fit-throwing child is a mirror of the overwhelmed way that you also feel, for example.

When someone in your life is pushing your buttons, pause and ask yourself if what he or she is saying or doing is actually a mirror for tendencies that you also have. This is not the most comfortable inner exploring to do.

The benefit is, you can usually get to the root of your irritation more quickly as you see that you are most upset with yourself for feeling, saying or doing something that you label inappropriate in some way.

From that point, you can choose to ease up on both yourself and the other person as you decide how you might change from within. In just about every case, the situation with the other person rapidly improves and then you can make necessary requests of him or her.

The lesson of contrast

When we bump up against resistance with the people in our lives, it can truly be a blessing. No matter how “wrong” you think another person is, your personal growth can expand if you can acknowledge this as a lesson of contrast.

We are all unique beings. This is one of the delicious-- and sometimes the most frustrating-- aspects of living on this wonderful planet.

You can recognize that the choices another person is making do not resonate for you and then use that recognition to further clarify what you do want. You don't have to agree with this person and, in the majority of cases, you can shift your attention back to you and to the choices you want to make for yourself.

The lesson of letting go

This brings us to letting go. Even if you are in a contentious place with your child or your partner, you can learn to let go and allow.

Perhaps you and your teenager simply don't see eye to eye about a particular topic-- or many topics, for instance. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries or make agreements about what is acceptable behavior in your home.

What it does mean is that you honor the person you are in a relationship with-- even if the person is a child or teen. You listen to him or her and you speak with integrity and then you stay open to resolutions that allow you both to proceed with dignity and in accordance with who you each are.

We always enter into relationships with others so that we can learn and grow-- though sometimes we don't realize that intention. Through our interactions with these other people, we can begin to live and love more fully...especially if we're willing to learn.

In the next few days, I'll be sharing ideas for how you can improve your relationships when it comes to communication, intimacy, appreciation and mutual support.

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Find Your Edge and Upgrade You

2009-11-20T06:40:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

All week long I've been writing about upgrading your life and yourself in various ways. Upgrading your home, physical fitness and diet were specific areas covered. As I finish up this weekly theme, I want to include an important side note...

Nothing is wrong with you or your life!

Often, talk about making an improvement is accompanied by an implied (or overtly stated) assumption that the aspect of you or your life that is intended for change is somehow deficient or even bad.

Yes, there are certainly habits and tendencies that do not support you and the way you want to live. But when you attempt to motivate yourself from a negative approach or assumption, any improvement experienced usually doesn't last-- or it is tinged with fear or self-castigation.

This is no upgrade.

A truly sustaining and expansive upgrade stems from the reminder that you are perfect as you are...imperfections and all. You can affirm to yourself that you are inherently good and capable AND that you'd like to create an even better life and a more enhanced you.

From this place of essentially coming to peace with where you are and being clear about where you want to go, you can make that upgrade and even feel happy and fulfilled along the way.

Find your edge.

We've all got an edge. This is the symbolic boundary beyond which we are uncomfortable or perhaps we even blatantly refuse to go. It is the invisible-- yet seemingly iron-clad-- line that keeps us stuck where we are.

I encourage you to find your inner edge and then explore beyond it.

You may be accustomed to biting back what you really want to say to a close family member, for example. Perhaps you just want to keep the peace and over the years you've become really adept at doing this. The trouble is, sometimes your self-induced silence means that you feel hurt or disrespected.

Maybe speaking out and potentially “making waves” is a really scary prospect for you. In your mind, who knows what would happen: “Will this person I care about leave me?” “What if he or she hurts me even more if I talk about how I truly feel?” “It's just not safe to speak up!”

This is an edge.

When you are alone, think about a time when you met up with your edge. Clues could include: a contraction in your stomach, stiffening shoulders and back, headaches that seem to come on suddenly or a tendency to leave the moment by becoming distracted or unfocused.

As you meet up with your edge, get curious about the situation that was (or still is) going on. Was a particular person involved? Was a certain setting or specific words said? Gather this information and try to identify what the most loaded trigger is for you.

Ask yourself how you might replay the situation if you had no edge.

Explore in your mind what might happen, for instance, if you were honest with this family member about how you feel when he or she says those words to you. Include as unbiased a list of possible options as you can formulate. How does it feel in your body to finally speak up?

Communicating with integrity and openness does not necessarily mean that you are combative or that you will instigate an argument, by the way. There are many ways to talk about how you are feeling and what you want that can actually promote connection.

The point to this exercise is to gently move yourself past your edge-- whatever that might be.

In the safety of your inner self, demonstrate that you do have the choice to step past that self-created boundary and then try a new way of communicating, acting and being.

This is an upgrade upon which you can build and grow and flourish.
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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Upgrade You: Diet and Fitness Self-Improvement Tips

2009-11-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Losing weight and exercising more are two resolutions that just about everybody includes on his or her list of self improvements to make.

And just about everyone (with exceptions of course) somewhere along the line falls short of those goals. Those aspirations usually get swept aside and forgotten-- or used as a rationale for self-criticism and beating up on one's self.

If you'd like to upgrade yourself by making improvements in the ways you eat and/or your physical fitness, setting yourself up to succeed is a vital first step.

Too many of us dive right in to a new diet or exercise regimen with high hopes and, for whatever reason, we plateau, get bored or distracted or don't follow through completely. It can seem like we are failures at this. And for this reason, many of us give up trying.

Upgrade in a sustainable way...
Before you start to count calories or head off for your first run in years, I encourage you to get clear about the upgrade you want. From as observational a perspective as you can muster, look at where you are. What are your habits when it comes to eating and exercise? What do you consider your strengths and where are your weaknesses?

In a diet book I'm reading, The Thin Commandments: The Ten No-Fail Strategies for Permanent Weight Loss, author Stephen Gullo advises those who'd like to lose weight to know your food history.

He offers examples of clients he's worked with who, for example, have troublesome histories with cookies, but are not as tempted to binge when it comes to pudding. When a particular client keeps his or her history in mind, that person can actually eat dessert in moderation and continue to shed pounds.

Get to know what your history is with particular foods and then come up with strategies about how you can stay on your path of becoming thinner and do so in sustainable ways.

Think in terms of continually making life choices that are in alignment with the upgrade you desire, instead of short-term and possibly more extreme diets during which you might feel deprived and even starved.

Stay tuned in to your feelings. If you feel overwhelmed or intense emotions when you consider a particular upgrade, take the time to explore those emotions. What possible past events or old beliefs are those feelings tied to? Get curious and discover what you need to resolve as you move forward with these changes.

You can apply the notion of sustainability to your fitness improvements too.

If you tend to get bored on the exercise equipment at the gym, recognize that and come up with different fitness strategies. There countless ways to move your body-- experiment until you find a repertoire that is actually enjoyable.

Upgrade in a process-oriented way...
It's common to set goals for yourself when attempting to improve your fitness and diet. There's nothing wrong with goals, except that sometimes we become so hyper-focused on the outcome and “end goal,” we might miss or belittle our smaller achievements along the way.

I think that it's great to set an intention to lose 25 lbs, 50 lbs or more or less. It's equally wonderful to strive to lift a particular weight, run a certain number of miles and so on. Even so-called "failures" along the way can be viewed as opportunities for learning, clarification and choice.

As I said, goals can be great motivators-- when placed in a particular perspective.

Consider offering most of your attention to how you feel about yourself and your eating and exercise habits from moment-to-moment. Set your longer-term goal and then put it to the side symbolically. It's still there, but the majority of your focus is on the here and now.

Allow yourself a cheer when you find that your pants button easier than they used to, even if you aren't at that goal weight yet. Pat yourself on the back for getting outside for a brisk walk in the chilly rain, even if you aren't running the miles you want to yet.

It is this sense of presence and process that allows your upgrade to sustain and feel great. This practice will support your ability to continue to make improvements in all areas of your life.
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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Upgrade Your Home and Office

2009-11-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This is Upgrade Yourself and Your Life week on the Personal Growth Planet blog!

Yesterday I shared some basic information about the Law of Attraction and how you can use it to begin manifesting the upgrades you want. Today, I'm going to focus in on a specific area for potential upgrade-- your home, office and other living spaces.

You might spend a lot of your time caring for, maintaining and improving your home. The employees at stores that sell pillows, curtains, paint, tile, rugs may even know you by name. HGTV might happen to be your favorite channel on television.

Or it could be that you spend only a minimal amount of time on your home or office space. For you, keeping your living spaces relatively clean and picked up may be the best you can do in the midst of a busy schedule. Devoting much attention to the way your home looks may not even interest you.

I'm not suggesting that we all need to become Martha Stewart-esque. But I do believe that creating a space that reflects and enhances the kind of upgraded life you want is important. This isn't merely about looks-- it is about energy and feeling.

You will probably find that with clear and particular environments in specific areas of your home or office, you can actually become more productive, efficient, relaxed, passionate, stimulated, calm and even financially abundant.

Yes, I am talking about feng shui.

You may have heard about this ancient Chinese practice and system that is based on the assumption that specific changes made to living spaces can promote or suppress particular aspects of the lives of the people who inhabit them.

If you aren't familiar with feng shui, this might sound outlandish and “out there.” But let's face it, if your home is wall-to-wall clutter, you most likely feel cluttered on the inside as well.

On the other hand, have you ever entered a room or someone's house and you instantly felt relaxed and at ease? There was probably something about the energy in that space that triggered feelings of pleasant calm within you.

On a general level, this is what feng shui is about. Your ch'i-- or life force-- is influenced by your environment. And when your ch'i is flowing freely and easily, your health, bank account, relationships and overall sense of peace and happiness will be positively affected.

There are many factors to consider such as: special compass directions of the rooms and furniture in your space; when you were born; and the proximity and combination of the elements wood, water, earth, fire and metal.

To learn more about creating balanced ch'i in your home or office, you can consult books, dvds and online sites. You can even hire a feng shui professional to assess your living space and offer suggestions.

Here are some general feng shui tips to get you started in the meantime....

*Look at the approach to the front door of your home or office. Does a busy street lead directly to it? Are there trees or bushes positioned in such a way that they “threaten” the entrance to your home?

If the approach to your space or the view is too direct and abrupt or too obscured and blocked, ch'i can be negatively affected. Find ways to encourage a gentle yet clear energy coming up to your front door or front windows. For example, a curved path is a wonderful aspect.

*Pay attention to the flow. Are there odd or awkward corners in your home or office? These could be places where the ch'i energy stagnates and becomes trapped. Stagnation areas occur in many spaces-- this is often a result of the architectural design but can also be due to the arrangement of furniture.

If you can move furniture around in your space so that the energy flow is more opened up, you can free up ch'i and also better support specific areas of your life. Feng shui practitioners usually strongly advise people to get rid of the clutter to encourage unobstructed ch'i.

If you face architectural obstacles to your ch'i, you can use wind chimes, mirrors or bamboo flutes to turn these trouble areas around.

*Get out your compass. The Pa Kua (also known as the Ba Gua) is an 8-sided form that is used as a guide for encouraging specific improvements by enhancing the flow of ch'i. Find a compass or get a good idea of the directions of key rooms in your home and concentrate your de-cluttering and other feng shui efforts in those rooms or directions.

They correspond in the following ways:

North: Career Prospects

Northeast: Education

East: Family, Relationships and Health

Southeast: Wealth and Prosperity

South: Fame and Recognition

Southwest: Marriage Prospects and Marital Happiness

West: Children

Northwest: Mentors

Feng shui is a very powerful practice and even simple changes that involve little or no money can bring about significant improvements in your life. Have fun with this and let your ch'i freely flow!

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Upgrade Your Outlook

2009-11-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Yesterday I kicked off “Upgrade” week by encouraging you to consider improving and expanding yourself and your life in some way.

Perhaps, as you tuned in and had that “conversation” with your future self, you realized that you'd like to upgrade your financial situation, for example. Or it could be that you decided it's time to enhance your relationship with your partner.

Now that you have chosen an area of your life upon which you'd like to focus at the moment, you might wonder how to achieve these desired improvements. Stepping out from the usual way of doing and experiencing things is certainly new territory for us all.

Upgrading your outlook can help. The way we each perceive what's possible-- or impossible-- and the power we think we have-- or don't have-- can make a huge difference. You can achieve goals when you doubt your ability to do so, but it's usually a long and arduous process, if it happens at all.

However, when you can generate within yourself a clarity about what you want and you fuel it with a hope and belief that you can be, do or have it, the upgrade can seem almost effortless.

Knowing about and practicing the Law of Attraction can help ease and bolster your upgrade intentions.

You might be familiar with the film“The Secret” that came out a few years ago. There are plenty of people online, in other films and at live events who go into greater detail about the Law of Attraction. This is meant to give you a taste of this potentially new outlook that can assist you in making-- attracting-- improvements.

At the heart of the Law of Attraction is the assertion that we live in an attraction-based universe. We walk around as magnets, drawing to us the people, conditions and experiences that line up with what we spend the bulk of our time focusing upon. Sometimes we are aware of what we're concentrating attention on and sometimes we're not and so we feel surprised by what manifests in our lives.

According to Law of Attraction teacher Abraham, there are 3 main steps to the Attraction process:

1.) Ask
This seems simple but... many times we ask for things that we actually do not want. A classic example is to ask to get out of debt. The focus with this request is still on the debt and not on something more affirmative such as: "being able to easily pay my bills and have more than enough money."

Watch what you are asking for and keep in mind that you are attracting what you place your attention upon.

Another dimension to this asking step is contrast. Many times we “ask” for improvements as we live the opposite. If you feel disrespected in a relationship, there is undoubtedly a part of you that is now clearer than before about wanting to be respected.

You can think about it as a silver lining of sorts to the challenges you are experiencing. But, again, it's important that you continue to shift your focus toward what you want. Notice that you feel disrespected and then move your attention toward what you do want.

2.) Answer
This is the easy one. There's really nothing for you to do at this step. According to the Law of Attraction, what you are asking for will always be provided to you. You don't have to figure out how this will happen, it just will.

3.) Allow
Jump back in because this step is the follow through that's all up to you. After you've asked for what you want in an affirmative way, now you can release resistance and allow it to come to you.

I know, this one can be a real challenge! Letting go and staying open to the opportunities that will line you up with what you want is often easier said than done. But this is exactly what step 3 of this process requires.

I think we've all been in situations in which we firmly keep the door to new experiences and improvements to our lives closed and locked.

Whether it's embarking on a career move that seems scary, making it a priority to regularly exercise, communicating differently in a relationship or something else, opportunities for upgrades are literally always there for us-- we get to choose whether or not to allow them.

When it comes down to it, this whole notion of upgrading yourself and your life and the Law of Attraction isn't really so much about being richer, healthier or having a more passionate love life.

These things can all come to each of us in the process; but this is really about you altering your outlook so that you can feel happier, more fulfilled and maybe even downright blissful about your life as it unfolds.

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Personal Growth Planet blog is tasking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Give Yourself an Upgrade

2009-11-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

How long has it been since you've given yourself an upgrade?

In these times and conditions dominated by downsizing and scaling back, it may have been quite some time since you've upgraded yourself or your life.

A national food chain recently ran an advertisement on tv that showed co-workers riding an elevator up to their offices in the morning. One woman held in her hands a breakfast sandwich and coffee while speaking with a colleague with a very very tiny and disproportionately small waist because he's been “tightening his belt.”

The problem with the constant belt-tightening and scaling back that many of us are doing is that it often results in an overall feeling of constriction. Not only are you limiting the amount of money you spend, you could also box yourself into a very tense and tight place largely because of the fear and expectations of lack and scarcity that can accompany a downsizing mindset.

Let me be clear here...

As I encourage you to upgrade yourself and your life, I'm not advocating that you max out your credit cards or bombard yourself with material objects.

The kind of upgrade that I'm recommending starts on the inside with a shift in attitude, perception and expectation and it almost always extends to your outside body, career, health, finances, relationships and life.

When you upgrade your computer or laptop, sometimes you go out and purchase a brand new model that is shinier and features more options. Upgrades also happen inside the computer. Perhaps a larger RAM is installed in your existing machine. Maybe some new programs are downloaded. Often old files are deleted or placed on a memory stick or some other kind of external storage device.

The effects of a computer upgrade are usually quicker and more efficient operations and/or expanded options and features.

There are so many ways that you can upgrade yourself and your life. If you feel overwhelmed or at a loss when you consider what to upgrade, try this exercise...

Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can be uninterrupted. Place paper and a pen near where you are sitting or reclining. Move your attention to within yourself. Focus mostly on your breathing. If you know how to meditate, you can use meditation techniques to help.

Clear your mind from the busy-ness of your day and slow yourself down. Once you are relaxed and your mind is relatively clear, ask your future self to communicate with you. Just invite your future self into your awareness. This future self is ultimately wiser and more experienced than you are now because she or he has already made it through the current challenges you might face.

Ask your future self to share with you a few of the expansions in yourself and your life 1 year from today. You can write these down on your paper to remember them. Now ask your future self what has changed about you and your life in 5 years and then 10 years.

If feelings of resistance, doubt or fear come up, make note of those, but continue to listen to your future self. This exercise can help you become clearer about the areas of your life that you might begin to upgrade in the near future.

Your encounter with your future self isn't meant to cement your actual future in stone. This is merely a sparking point to put into motion potential and desired change.

Your life is up to you to create and it is always changing. When you allow for an upgrade and then take inspired action, you nourish growth and expansion.

Look at the notes you took during the “conversation” with your future self. Are you particularly drawn to any of the areas listed? If so, choose one area in which you will begin to upgrade. Start to consider what an upgrade to your health, your financial state, your relationships, your physical living and working space or other areas might look like.

From this vision of the upgrade you chose, you can begin to open up to changes in your habits, your responses and your activities that will move you closer to actually living your vision.

Take your time and be gentle with yourself as you make changes. Each time you encounter inner resistance to the upgrade you want, return to your vision and to the eager or hopeful feelings that accompany it.

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*The future self exercise was adapted from Co-Active Coaching by Laura Whitworth, Karen Kimsey-House, Henry Kimsey-House and Phillip Sandahl.

*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Boost Your Self Esteem: Take a New View of You

2009-11-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In the final scene of the movie “The Darjeeling Limited,” three brothers who have experienced a quirky and arduous journey together through India run for their train that's already in motion. They carry several pieces of luggage that once belonged to their father. At one point mid-run, each brother throws aside his suitcases and shoulder bags and finally leaps upon that departing train.

Have you ever felt weighted down by your low self esteem?

The limited beliefs and perceptions you have held of your own self worth are like the luggage that the brothers in “The Darjeeling Limited” hefted throughout their adventures in India. Perhaps a part of you is tired of feeling bad or inadequate about yourself.

Isn't it time to throw aside your own “luggage” and free yourself to be the person you have always wanted to be?

The strategies that I've suggested this week-- including stopping your stories and questioning lack mindset-- can help you to release your low self esteem habit. You can create space to take better care of yourself, as I wrote about yesterday.

And within this expanded and freer space, you can also develop a new view of you.

Two keys to improving self esteem are perspective and focus.
When you notice yourself thinking that you can't be, do or have something because of how you are, recognize that your low self esteem beliefs are doing the talking. Next, search for a different perspective of the situation.

Let's say that you hear about an available position at your workplace that would be a step-up from your current one. Perhaps the particular job really appeals to you, but almost as soon as you realize that you'd like to apply for the new job and promotion, a whole host of reasons why you will not ever get that kind of job crowd your mind.

This, of course, is a great time to question your story.

You can also make a conscious decision to adopt a new perspective. Some people find it helpful to literally move and stand in a different place to jar themselves out of the view they've become stuck in.

Make a list of the various ways you could look at this situation.

Write down the way that you currently see your capabilities and your prospects for getting this promotion. Now stretch yourself and write down the way that someone who admires you might see your prospects. How would a person who looked at your resume, training and experience see this? How about a person who knows only your strengths?

If you find yourself solely writing down limitations, return to questioning your story. It might also be helpful to ask a friend or family member to suggest some positive aspects about you that could be different from the perspective you usually take.

Another perspective change you might consider is to ask yourself what would happen if you apply for the promotion and you don't end up getting it. Will you really lose anything by trying? Taking the step to even apply is potentially transformational and it could lead you to eventually attaining that goal.

When you come upon a perspective that feels genuine and bolsters you, take some time to focus in on it. This new perspective might feel foreign and even uncomfortable. But if it still rings true for you on some level, spend time there.

Shift your focus to this different and more self-affirming way of viewing yourself and this situation. You can always return to that hefty “luggage” of low self esteem if that's what you really want. Now, however, you have an expanded range of perspectives to choose from.

You can begin to see the new you more and more of the time.

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Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Boost Your Self Esteem: Walk the Talk

2009-11-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

When I was in high school, I had the honor of being in many plays and musicals*. It was wonderfully creative and fun to be up on stage singing, dancing and acting with friends.

And it was also a gut-wrenching experience.

Before and after each show I usually assessed my performance. Almost every time, I honed in on the mistakes I made (or expected to make)-- lines out of order, missteps or voice slightly off-key.

One of my grandmothers attended as many of my plays, musicals and concerts as she could. After every single performance, she would gush and shower me with praise about how talented I am, how much I shone on that stage and other delightful compliments.

So, who's assessment of my performance was accurate?

Of course, she was my grandmother and, given who she was, she was going to see only the best in me. As a self-conscious teen who tended to also be self-critical, my propensity was to mainly see the flaws.

Neither of our stories were completely true. At the same time, neither of our stories were completely false. Up on that stage I undoubtedly made mistakes and I undoubtedly also shined.

We all tell stories. We tell ourselves stories about why a person said particular words to us. We tell ourselves stories about why our government is the the way it is. We also tell ourselves stories about who we are and what we can and cannot be.

Low self esteem is almost always founded upon a person repeating to him or herself story after story about inadequacy, failure and limitation.

If you live with low self esteem, start to pay closer attention to the stories you tell yourself. Notice your stories and be aware of how they probably tie in with past events in your life.

Our stories are usually rooted in the past. It might be helpful for you to acknowledge how tied to the past your present story about yourself may be.

Ask if the story you are telling yourself is a fit for where you are at this moment. If it isn't, why not let it go?

Sometimes an old story you've been repeating over and over again appears to be somewhat true. If so, recognize this as a story about one aspect of how you are right now. This is not necessarily how you will be tomorrow.

Take responsibility for the stories you tell yourself. After all, you are the master storyteller of your own life.

Even if you initially heard these criticisms or negative declarations from a parent, sibling, peer or another adult, you get to decide which stories to keep telling yourself and which to release.

In other words, you can stop telling yourself the stories that continue to fuel your low self esteem. Instead, you can begin to create and affirm different stories about yourself that will boost your sense of self worth.

This isn't about fantasy. Your new, self-affirming stories can focus in on those aspects about yourself and your life that you are okay with. They might also include intentions that will help you make the changes you'd like to make.

Your new stories can start out small and build into the epic adventures of success, love, abundance, worthiness and joy that you desire.

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*The image above is NOT of me on stage as a teenager. It is thanks to dmblue444

Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Boost Your Self Esteem...It Could Be One of the Most Selfless Things You'll Ever Do

2009-11-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever felt stuck and stagnated in your life but couldn't bring yourself to make a change? You might feel disappointed about who you are and where you are, but you don't feel like you have the time or energy to do anything about it.

It's quite possible that low self esteem is part of the reason why you feel so immobilized and unhappy.

Maybe you already have so many things and people demanding your attention, it seems that there literally is no time for you-- to get that manicure you've always wanted to have, to take a class you're interested in or to start figuring out why you tend to feel inadequate most days.

Even if you had the time, wouldn't it be selfish to spend it on yourself?

If you feel unfulfilled and unworthy, I suggest that it's PAST time for you to offer at least some of your attention to boosting your self esteem. Additionally, bolstering your self esteem is actually a very selfless act!

If you tend to go through life feeling less than good at what you do or even not good at all as a person, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every single person in your life to create space, time and a willingness within yourself to improve your self esteem.

Your low self esteem probably goes way back...
It's likely that your lagging sense of self worth spans back to your preteen and teen years, if not earlier. Studies have shown that girls in particular usually experience a self esteem peak around the age of 9.

These are a scant number of years during which a human being feels worthy and positively about herself (or himself). Boys face challenges to their self esteem as well.

Early experiences and beliefs can also leave deep scars.

As adults, we usually attempt to hide away our emotional scars as well as our low self esteem. But they are there and they rise to the surface in a myriad of ways.

For example, I often become uncomfortable when I am complimented. There are probably a whole host of reasons for this tendency of mine. One is most definitely a belief that I do not deserve that praise-- this is linked in with low self esteem.

I think that it is far more common for adults to experience a lagging sense of self worth than one might expect. After all, we are grown up, we're supposed to be beyond that insecurity thing, right?

Nope.

It's time for each of us to look inside ourselves and begin to notice the times when we put ourselves down, deflect compliments or otherwise shrink away and cut ourselves off from our strengths and passions.

Boosting your self esteem is actually a selfless act...
Even if you are well aware of your low self esteem, you might not be taking steps to improve it because you feel so busy already and the idea of boosting your self worth seems, well, selfish.

Let me put it this way. If you feel inadequate, stagnated and stuck where you are and whom you have become, you are probably the very same way you feel in your relationships with others.

You truly cannot be the loving, giving and valuing partner, parent, son/daughter, co-worker, employee, etc. without feeling love, respect and value for yourself first.

There is little or nothing to give to others in your life except your own dissatisfaction when you continue to ignore or foster low self esteem.

These statements are not meant to guilt trip you into making changes in the way you view yourself. Instead, it is my intention to assert to you that when you take even the tiniest of steps to boost your self esteem everyone in your life-- especially you-- can benefit.

Yes, you might feel resistant to changing even this hurtful habit because it's what you've known for so long. And you may also feel worried about what this might mean to your relationships and your life.

Notice your resistance, your worries and your fears and do this anyway.

Make a choice to begin to feel better about yourself and know that you can (and will) enjoy improved self esteem and an improved life because of it.

In the following days on this blog I will take a deeper look at low self esteem. This includes exploring what fuels low self esteem as well as strategies to develop new habits that will improve self worth and esteem along the way.
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Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Feed Your Soul: Appreciate and Bask in the Glow

2009-11-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

All week we've been building up to feeding your soul.*

Keeping the access to your soul as open as possible, listening to your inner guidance and even dealing with those times when you aren't comfortable with what your soul is directing you to do have been topics for your consideration.

When it comes down to it, all of these actually help you to nourish and feed your soul.

Every time you choose to check in with yourself and honor how you feel deep down inside rather than check out through old habits, you are feeding your soul.

Every time you connect in with your inner guidance and truly listen to what you are being inspired to do, be or have rather than disconnect and discount that “voice” coming from within or through you, your soul is being fed.

Each and every time you decide to find something about yourself and your life to appreciate instead of mostly focusing on the aspects you don't like, you feed your soul.

And this is today's suggestion for enlivening your life and nurturing your soul....Appreciate!

I know, this probably isn't the first time you've been advised to appreciate what you have. Many of us can remember being told as children to appreciate the lima beans or brussel sprouts staring us down on our dinner plates because, “children in China are starving.” Knowing this did not make it any easier to eat those less-than-savory veggies.

As an adult, you might so very much want to appreciate your run-down car, house in need of repair, job that pays too little, children who don't seem to respect you and partner that just doesn't “get” you in the way you want-- but you just can't seem to do it!

I'm not going to encourage you to appreciate your unsatisfying job because so many people in this country don't even have one right now. Guilt trips or fear rides like this just don't work. That's absolutely NOT what appreciation is about.

What I will suggest is for all of us to look around (and within) and find at least one thing we can feel some morsel of true appreciation about.

It might be the sun that's glistening on the frost-covered grass outside. It could be the smile you give to a neighbor-- or even a complete stranger-- and the one reflected back at you. It may be the way that you and your partner worked together as a loving team to tackle a difficult situation recently.

When you come into the present moment and you widen your perspective of what's happening, there is always something you can find to appreciate.

The key is to be in the present moment and to have an expanded view, however. If you're busy thinking about how many times in the past you and your mate have butted heads when a challenge arises, you're going to miss out on this time when the two of you are working together cooperatively.

And, if all you are honed in on is how crime-ridden your local news declares your city to be, that smile- sharing and potential warmth between you and a stranger will pass you by.

The image above is of our cat Sizzle who truly seems to appreciate the sun. I can't know for sure if a cat can feel appreciation the way that I do, but she certainly seems to be basking in the sun and smiling happily in her comfort and delight.

To me, Sizzle's basking and apparent appreciation exemplify feeding your soul.

Come into your present moment, discover what you can appreciate and allow yourself to bask in the glow.

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*The concept of “Soul” is being used here in an expansive and two-fold manner. In one sense, it is the higher power-- Source, God, Goddess, Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit or other name that resonates for you. Additionally, it is the essence, the animating principle that is you. These can be inter-linked or distinct depending on your belief system.

Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Feed Your Soul: What if I don't like what I hear?

2009-11-05T06:53:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

So far in this week's Feed Your Soul-themed blogs we've assessed how truly alive and engaged with life we are, learned about ways to interrupt ourselves when we fall into autopilot mode and discovered how to cut the chatter so that we can each enjoy clearer access to our souls.*

Now what?

When you have expanded access to your soul will your life automatically be easy, glow-y and always happy? Well, not necessarily.

To walk around in this life vibrantly alive doesn't necessarily mean you're forever in a state of blissful joy. There are exceptions to this, of course.

Sometimes when you are tuned in to your soul and really listening to what your inner guidance is directing you to be, do or have it gets uncomfortable. You might not like what you hear from your soul from time to time.

When I am guided to ease up and grant more space and independence to my sons, for example, I know this is a soul-derived directive. Some wiser part of me is certain that my sons, my relationship with them and even I will truly benefit.

But there is a resistance-- the worrier (what if something bad happens?), the griever (do my kids have to grow up so fast already?), the controller (after all, I do know best!?)-- that doesn't want to hear what my soul has to say.

At this point of resistance to my inner guidance, I get to choose my response.
--I can ignore my soul's wisdom and fall into an autopilot mode of old habits.

--I can go into autopilot mode, numb out in some way and pretend that none of this is happening.

--I can get very involved in rationalizing the situation, i.e. let the mind chatter take over.

--I can set aside my worries, grief and controlling impulses and just follow through on my inner guidance's request.

--I can go within and be certain that what I am “hearing” is truly coming from my inner guidance. Using cut the chatter strategies can help make this distinction.

--I can “sit with” how I am feeling and allow myself time to calm down and perhaps become more open to what my soul is calling on me to do before taking any action.

In every single situation there are always many possible solutions and even if you fall into autopilot or somehow ignore your soul's wisdom, the great news is it's always there for you.

All you have to do is open up, listen and trust.

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*The concept of “Soul” is being used here in an expansive and two-fold manner. In one sense, it is the higher power-- Source, God, Goddess, Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit or other name that resonates for you. Additionally, it is the essence, the animating principle that is you. These can be inter-linked or distinct depending on your belief system.

Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Feed Your Soul: Cut the Chatter and Listen

2009-11-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This week's blogs center around questions such as: “How engaged are you with your own life?” and include suggestions for how to nourish your soul*.

As a prerequisite for feeding your soul, yesterday I shared a few strategies you can use when you notice yourself falling into autopilot mode. Instead of moving through life dulled and dazed or simply reacting to situations from old habits, you can interrupt autopilot and create space so that you can tune in to your soul.

Within this space, you can begin to listen. You can more readily hear the inner guidance, wisdom and clarity that you've possibly been yearning for all along. It is your soul-- which can be experienced as either within, outside of you, or both-- that holds the ultimate answers to your most difficult life questions.

Whether or not you will leave or stay in a relationship, if it's time to look for a new job, how to resolve heartache that you've been carrying around, by what means you could break a habit that's holding you back-- these challenges and more DO have solutions that can help you thrive and be the person you're wanting to be.

But you won't have access to these answers unless your connection with your soul is clear.

I can't even count the number of times that I've been struggling with a heavy problem-- or even just a minor irritation-- and the chatter in my head seems to be drowning out my inner guidance. This chatter might take the form of to-do lists, memories of a conversation I had that day, self-criticizing thoughts or “white noise” types of inner interference like a song I heard on the radio re-playing over and over.

In much the same way that you interrupt autopilot mode, you can make a conscious decision to cut the chatter so that you can increase access to your soul.

First of all, notice that the chatter in your mind has “taken over.” Be gentle with yourself and decide if it's really serving you to rehash an annoying incident you had with a co-worker, for example. Will this focus allow you to access your inner guidance and soul?

All of this takes practice. You might find yourself re-focusing and guiding yourself back to a place where you can truly listen over and over again throughout your day. And this is ok. The decision is truly up to you.

Meditation is a powerful clearing tool.
Meditating is one of the most effective strategies I've found to cut the chatter in my mind and open up to my soul. The great news is, you don't have to set aside hours each day or sit in uncomfortable positions in order to benefit from this practice!

There are so many ways to meditate and I encourage you to learn more by doing an internet search, talking with people who regularly meditate and checking out the free meditation articles at the Personal Growth Planet website.

You can meditate sitting on a zafu (a special meditation pillow), in a chair or lying on your bed. You can even walk, ride your bike, knead bread dough and fold clothes while meditating.

While there are several specific meditation techniques, here are some basic guidelines:

Breathe deeply and from your diaphragm. Keep your focus trained on the breath and allow the chatter in your mind to fade away. Simply continue to return to your breathing. You can even say to yourself, “I am breathing in. I am breathing out.”

If feelings come up for you, allow them to rise and fall away. Keep breathing as the grief, the fear, the anger or another feeling moves through you. This is an important part of the clearing process.

As you meditate, you will probably relax and release tension-- even if you also experience difficult emotions. It is here in this space of openness and clarity that you can listen to your soul.

Don't be surprised if you are given information, assurance or other affirmations during or after you meditate. These are messages from your soul. There is a deeper knowing about these understandings, words or calls to action that is completely different from the chatter in your mind.

This is a gift from your Source, through your soul.

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*The concept of “Soul” is being used here in an expansive and two-fold manner. In one sense, it is the higher power-- Source, God, Goddess, Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit or other name that resonates for you. Additionally, it is the essence, the animating principle that is you. These can be inter-linked or distinct depending on your belief system.

Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month. Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Feed Your Soul: Interrupting Autopilot

2009-11-03T06:49:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I started out the week yesterday by asking a lot of questions. In the midst of these death-oriented holidays (many of which celebrate the lives of loved ones whom have passed), how truly alive do you tend to be?

Connecting in with your soul is absolutely required in order to keep it fed and nurtured. And nourishing your soul is key to living the vibrant and engaged kind of life you might be craving and not seeming to be able to bring about.

One huge stumbling block to this first step of connecting in with your soul is the tendency that many of us have to move through our lives in a sort of autopilot. It's pretty clear that when you are in autopilot, you are separate and disconnected from your soul.*

Sometimes being in autopilot looks and feels like a dulled or even deadened state. The person is merely going through the motions of life. There is no apparent zest or excitement about the experiences that this person is having. Or, if this type of engagement with life does occur, it is rare.

Other times, checking out involves falling back into old, limiting habits. The person, usually without being conscious of it, reverts back to behaviors and reactions that were more active in his or her past. These are ways of being that do not support the kind of life the person is trying to create now.

For example, I tend to get controlling when I am in autopilot mode. There is usually some trigger and, before I know it, I am harping on my kids and partner about just about everything and anything. It's not pretty and it's not fun for any of us involved.

In either case, we can become so deeply checked out that we don't even recognize that we are in autopilot mode to begin with!

The challenge is to begin to recognize when you are in autopilot and then interrupt that pattern. The ultimate goal here is to begin to re-connect with your soul so that you can listen to what you need to thrive.

Become practiced at observing yourself. Your positive growth will not be supported if you are observing yourself with a hyper-critical eye, however. Instead, try stopping what you are doing for a few moments 3 or more times a day and just notice.

--What are you feeling?

--What are the needs you have?

--What thoughts are active within you?

If it is difficult for you to tap into this information, you might possibly have fallen into autopilot mode. If so, try to better understand the trigger that might have set you down this checked out path. What's behind your current mood or state?

Interrogate Your “Shoulds”

The “shoulds” are often operating behind the scenes when I fall into autopilot. Unfortunately, I still hold many beliefs about how a “good mother/wife/daughter/woman/human being” should be. When something comes up in my life to trigger those shoulds, I often clamp down, disengage and become controlling.

Old habits like this can be stopped in their tracks when the shoulds (or other beliefs) that drive them are questioned. During one of those 3 or more times a day when you are observing yourself and checking in, pay particular attention to any shoulds that are rearing their heads.

When you encounter a should, ask yourself what would happen if you don't follow through on what you think you-- or another person-- should do, say, or be. Is there room for different and additional ways of being in this situation?

Probably so.

Just about every time I interrogate a should, I find that there are far more possibilities than I initially could perceive.

And this is the ah-ha moment that almost always allows me to loosen up and re-engage with myself and my soul. (Not to mention the fact that I can usually ease up on those around me as well!)

The triggers that seem to send you into autopilot mode could be very different than mine. I highly recommend incorporating into your day these observation moments. When you discover that you have checked out, dig deeper and find out what you need.

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*The concept of “Soul” is being used here in an expansive and two-fold manner. In one sense, it is the higher power-- Source, God, Goddess, Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit or other name that resonates for you. Additionally, it is the essence, the animating principle that is you. These can be inter-linked or distinct depending on your belief system.

Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month. Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Why Feed Your Soul...and does it like chocolate?

2009-11-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

*November is National Blog Posting Month. I'm going to mix it up a bit here at the Personal Growth Planet blog and try this (at least every weekday-- can't guarantee weekends.). So for November, you'll find shorter daily blogs with weekly themes. Thanks for reading and, as always, I hope you are inspired!

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My friend, Alissa Sorenson, shared a fascinating and heart-stirring account of one of her ancestors in her blog about All Souls Day. In this season of Halloween, Samhain, Dia de los Muertos and All Souls Day our attentions are drawn to the dead.

We honor ancestors and can learn a lot about where we've come from by taking a look back at the lessons of their lives. One question I am asking myself in light of these lessons and death-oriented holidays is this...

How fully alive am I right now?

Even as I respectfully admire and acknowledge those who have come before me, I wonder if I am as engaged and vitally connected in with life as I could be.

It's certainly easy to fall into a dull and numbed kind of existence where you are virtually walking around dead-ened. There are seemingly unending lists of things to do, places to be, responsibilities to fulfill at work, at home and for personal health. In the blink of an eye, your primary existence can become these lists and responsibilities.

What gets lost in the process? Your alive soul.

For me, the soul is a two-fold notion.

Yes, the soul is that part of each of us that is connected in (or not) with a higher source. This can be known as Source, God, Goddess, Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit or whatever name might resonate.

If you believe in a higher source, the soul is that channel by which guidance, inspiration and even downright rescue can come through. When your soul is healthy and nurtured, you know that something that is you and is also huger than you “has your back” and that somehow it's all going to work out.

There is a certain energy and vibrance that comes with this knowing.

The concept of “soul” can also be expanded and even generalized somewhat. You can actually be agnostic or even an atheist and be open to a sense of soul.

In this broader conception, your soul can be understood as that essence and depth of your being. It is that part of you that transcends personality, socioeconomic status, body size or skin color. The dictionary defines the soul as the “animating principle.”

Without soul, we can easily become robotic and essentially heart-less shells. A deadened-soul life is one in which a person goes through the motions of living but doesn't really do it with presence, zest or even a semblance of vitality.

So no matter how spiritual or non-spiritual you consider yourself to be, today I encourage you to think about your soul. How much of a priority do you place on feeding and connecting in with your soul?

How alive or dead do you tend to be in your day-to-day life?

*Tomorrow read about how to flip out of auto-pilot and begin to re-connect with your soul.
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Huge thanks to Alissa Sorenson pictured above in Dia de los Muertos costume. Face painting by Mik of Big Smiley and photograph by Mollie Hannon.

Beauty IS More Than Skin Deep

2009-10-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I have this mixed up and confused sort of relationship with beauty.

I would so like to feel beautiful; and there have been moments that I have-- but not as many as I'd like! For the most part, I look around me and feel sub-standard or merely okay.

Images of beautiful women in ads on tv and in magazines seem to hound me and exacerbate my lagging perceptions of myself. This doesn't necessarily get better or easier as I get older either!

I am not alone. It is a rarity to find a woman who truly feels beautiful as she is. So many women are critical in some form or another of our own bodies, skin, hair, and so on.

This is one reason why I feel encouraged by the Dove company's Campaign for Real Beauty. Yes, they are trying to sell us Dove cleansers, lotions and hair care products. But this company is stepping out and trying to do so in a different way.

In a field where the images are altered so that just about no actual woman meets the standard portrayed, this is a refreshing effort. Dove is talking about the importance of self esteem for girls and women as well as promoting their products with models who look closer to what you and I look like rather than the modeling industry's norm.

A conundrum crops up for me when I realize that while I so want to feel beautiful, a part of me discounts the whole idea of it.

I've considered myself a feminist for the bulk of my life and, on some level, I believe that placing my attentions on trying to be beautiful is a kind of sell-out. I tend to hold onto a belief that there is something shallow, superficial and even unintelligent about being beautiful.

The false dichotomy between beauty and brains arises within me and, of course, I want to go for the “smart” choice.

So I am left wishing I felt beautiful as I discount beauty. This leaves me merely wanting, empty and unable to truly feel that I am either.

Take back your power to be beautiful

It might be easy to merely blame the advertising and modeling industries and their unreal and impossible beauty standards for the pervasiveness of body/appearance hatred. I think that this misses a deeper piece of the dynamic however.

It's not so much about the ads or even the models and the airbrushing after all. If body image wasn't already a difficult issue for me, these ads wouldn't seem so powerful.

The trigger of feeling unattractive wouldn't be a trigger if the core belief that I am not beautiful didn't exist in the first place. And my confusion about beauty itself doesn't help!

A shift about the whole concept of beauty is called for here. After all, beauty is far more than just “skin deep.”

When I really think about it, beauty is an essence and an energy certain people just have.

Yes, the effects can be pleasing to the eye when a woman has created a particular look using makeup, hair styling and clothing. But a woman (or man) whose beauty effuses forth from within doesn't have to put forth those kinds of efforts.

She or he walks around confidently knowing her or his own worth, value and beauty and it shows-- with or without makeup. There is a depth and a sense of empowerment present in this manner of being beautiful.

This inner beauty that comes through is truly beautiful AND intelligent, wise, substantial and valuable all at the same time.

Cultivating Beauty

Grow your inner beauty by trying these ideas...

*Love yourself
Tell yourself, “I love you” throughout your day. Know that you deserve to be loved and who better to love you, than you!

*Build your self esteem
Find things to appreciate about yourself regularly. You can start out with seemingly small aspects and continue from there.

*Keep your dreams alive
Nothing stokes inner beauty and glow more than maintaining your visions for the future. What do you feel excited about? No matter how “pie in the sky” your dreams seem to be, keep them alive in your heart and act when inspired.

*Surround yourself with opportunities to cultivate your own beauty
Close friends and family members and I recently gathered for a Beautiful Party. We each wrote positive and loving words on our own bodies.

Many of our arms, faces, legs and bellies were covered with declarations such as: “confident,” “aware,” “wise,” “beautiful,” “graceful” and even “hot.” This was a fun and enriching way to witness the growing sense of inner beauty in each of us.

You don't have to host a Beautiful Party unless you'd like to. I do encourage you to take steps toward discovering and celebrating your own beauty and allow it to shine from the inside all the way out.

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*The Beautiful Party idea is thanks to this woman and her friends.

What Do You Do to Keep Your Wild Things at Bay?

2009-10-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

A young boy struggles to deal with his parents' divorce, the introduction of a new person-- his mother's boyfriend-- into his life, feeling left out and ignored by his older sister and an overall sense of loneliness.

This not-so-unusual scenario is the stage upon which the movie version of the beloved children's book Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak is set.

While the book hints at the difficulties the pre-pubescent Max is going through, the movie version (titled the same) expands and brings them to a level that can be downright uncomfortable for viewers.

The wild things that Max encounters after he sails off to another land personify his seemingly out of control emotions.

The wild things yearn for Max to erase their sadness once and for all but-- as you might guess-- this is impossible even for a child king in a magical land.

How do you cope with your wild things?

Our emotions can seem as intense and unruly as the wild things in Max's alternative world are. They can literally “eat us up” if we don't soothe and care for them in loving ways.

But the trouble is, many many of us don't want to deal with our wild things.

I used to abuse alcohol in an attempt to dull my wild things. Insecurities, fears, and even memories I didn't want to remember, were all temporarily kept at bay as I drank to the point of passing out at times.

You might turn to the false promise of soothing and distraction from alcohol or other things like drugs (legal or illegal), food, television, computer, exercise, work, and even the opinion of others.

There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these behaviors or influences.

Unfortunately, as I found out, they can quickly turn into addictions. We can become dependent on these external sources for a fleeting sensation of uplift that can have unhealthy aftereffects.

As I relied on alcohol to try to dull my wild things, I not only engaged in dangerous behaviors with serious consequences, I also moved further and further away from learning how to truly soothe myself.

This is a very conditional way to live.

When you rely on external sources to cope with difficult feelings, your ability to achieve what you want to achieve is severely limited. In part, this is because you are working so hard to numb out and not face or feel the feelings.

The effects of addictive behaviors can end up far more destructive than the original emotions ever could be.

And our wild things continue to exist. They are in there-- gnashing their teeth, growling and growing.

[*Note: There are many ways to understand and stop addiction. These suggestions are a general approach and not meant to replace coaching or therapy. If you feel that your health and well-being are in danger because of your addictive behaviors, please seek the help of a professional.]

Love your Wild Things.

It is absolutely vital that you stay in touch with you.

Even if you can only create 5 minutes each day to sit quietly, breathe and feel, do it. Give this to yourself. During those 5 minutes ask yourself how you are feeling and what you need.

If you need to cry, then cry. If you feel like yelling, create space for yourself to yell. Be in the moment with your emotions-- allow them.

Your in-touch time can be a source of healing, release and rejuvenation as long as you don't negate it with critical or judgmental thoughts.

Keep yourself focused on the feelings and not your stories behind the feelings. Afterwards, you will be better able to listen to any actions or changes you feel drawn to.

What any of us need is to feel loved-- unconditionally. You simply cannot love yourself without also loving and finding a sense of peace with your wild things.

Love yourself anyway, including those undesirable feelings, behaviors and addictive tendencies you have.

When you dive deeper into self-hate because you are jealous, critical, or you eat, drink or whatever too much, your need for those dangerous soothers increases-- as do your wild things.

From a place of love, however, you can almost always make changes more easily and assuredly.

Make it your goal to find even one aspect of yourself to love as you are, where you are. Once you discover one aspect to love, continue looking for more.

Build from there until you no longer need to escape or dull your difficult and intense emotions. Your love, awareness and willingness to listen to yourself and your needs can bring you the ease and answers you really wanted all along.

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*Wild Things hat image thanks to http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessyratfink/

Be Prepared!

2009-10-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

A few days ago a headline on the cover of my city's newspaper advised readers to “Prepare for H1N1.” This cautionary lead was followed up by a list of steps that can be taken in order to minimize the affects of this strain of influenza that's reportedly making the rounds.

Cold and flu season happens every year. This time, however, there has been a particular focus on the H1N1 flu.

Countless news reports and websites share the list of symptoms. You can even go online to track where the H1N1 flu has shown up across the country and the world.

Our local YMCA has reminders posted throughout the building and on all exercise equipment about how to disinfect the space. Signs on the front door make the request that those with H1N1 symptoms to stay away. Bottles of antibacterial hand sanitizer seem to be available everywhere.

The preparations appear in full swing for the expected onslaught of this influenza.

Some of the people I know are getting sick and I even read about a teenager in my city who actually died from complications of H1N1.

But I can't help but wonder if we are preparing so much for a flu epidemic, we are actually making ourselves sick!

When the local newspaper tries to offer me tips for how to “prepare for H1N1,” I just say no thanks!

Instead, I am preparing for health and wellness.

You tend to get what you expect.

You might not realize it but your expectations can actually create the reality you live. Many of us have heard the term “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

This plays out as the slow or troubled child who nobody (including the child him or herself) believes will ever amount to much, ends up meeting everyone's low expectations.

Of course, there are those exceptions to the rule who surpass and overcome limiting expectations, lead successful lives and contribute positively to the world.

The point here is what you expect and what you prepare for usually manifests.

Your expectations are usually based on the past experiences you've had and also what you've learned from others. Expectations are inextricably linked to your beliefs.

This is especially accurate when it comes to your body and your health.

How many times have you been in the presence of a person who was obviously ill and then, after worrying about catching the illness yourself, you inevitably do?

Of course, there are germs floating about. But why is it that some people can seem to walk through a room of coughing and nose-blowing and come through just as healthy and resilient as before and others quite quickly succumb?

I believe that expectations play a huge role in these different experiences.

Even if the law of attraction does not resonate with your belief system, consider the countless scientific studies that show how damaging to the immune system fear and worry are.

I watch my thoughts and I pay attention to the influences I am surrounding myself with.

When I read about the flu, I notice that I often feel concern for my family and myself. I feel compassion for those who are suffering right now and I also feel grateful that at this moment I feel well and full of energy.

After these acknowledgments, I return to my belief that my body (and those of my loved ones) is strong and functioning optimally.

I expect this great health to continue and know that if I do become ill, I will rebound quickly and thoroughly.

When I take an action that affects my health, I choose actions that keep me lined up with this expectation and desired experience.

If taking extra vitamin C or health supplements helps me continue to feel aligned with optimum health, I will take those actions. If continuing to care for my body by washing my hands, exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet feels like it will keep me pointed toward wellness, I will also take those actions.

Pay attention to what you are expecting for your own health. Where do your thoughts tend to spend most of the time?

You can always re-direct your thinking, question your own beliefs and form new expectations for your health and your life. These shifts can happen at any time with beneficial effects.

So, what are you preparing for?

Fun with Money

2009-10-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In today's economy there aren't too many people connecting the word “fun” with the word “money.”

News headlines warily report the stock market numbers each day. Job cuts are still being made and plenty of folks are looking for employment that will adequately pay the bills.

A lot of belt-tightening is going on.

In such an environment, the focus tends to be on “getting by” rather than bounding into financial abundance and prosperity.

And, even in such an environment with a preponderance of fear and worry, it is absolutely essential that we identify our limiting beliefs about money, make shifts and open up to developing new ones that will support what we DO want rather than keep us stuck where we don't want to be.

Many, many people-- myself included-- habitually feel lack when it comes to their financial situations. Lack feelings contribute to people feeling helpless about money.

“Reality” and experience tend to match these feelings.

Money Beliefs

Beliefs are just thoughts that we practice-- a lot! We think similar thoughts over and over again. Pretty soon, they appear very solid, immovable and even irrefutable to us.

Money is a hot topic for many people. And, just like beliefs about other issues, our habitual thoughts about money become entrenched and appear to us as the “absolute truth.”

Lack Orientation
Beliefs start to take shape from a very early age. You might have grown up in a household where money was tight. The messages from your parents and other family members indicated to you that “funds are low” so “don't ask for too much.”

These messages and your thoughts about them solidified into beliefs that money is a limited resource-- this now seems to you to be an undeniable fact that is mirrored and reinforced in your own experience.

It can be a painful, debilitating cycle.

Perhaps it seems wildly unrealistic to you to consider an income or lifestyle that is outside a particular “comfort” range of what you've always known. This is primarily due to your money beliefs.

There's nothing wrong with remaining within the limits of your “comfort” zone-- as long as that's where you want to be.

If you'd like to expand your bank account and enjoy financial freedom, however, you might ask yourself if your lack constraints are really all that comfortable after all!

Money the Corrupter

On the other hand, you may associate wealth and financial abundance with corruption, greed, “selling out,” being “less spiritual,” or other descriptions that you deem negative.

Of course, there are examples of greed and corruption in the world.

But it is not the money that is responsible for apparent crookedness-- it is the actions of people who are usually motivated by fear, unhappiness and pain.

Money can be understood as just another form of energy and appreciation. It is an exchange between people that represents one party showing appreciation for services or a product.

There is an exchange of energy when money changes hands.

As you loosen up, relax and open up more and more to receiving and giving appreciation, a greater sense of flow with money can develop. And this can translate into greater financial abundance in your life.

This way of looking at money might be unappealing or seem like a huge stretch to you. This is only an example of a different perspective you might consider adopting.

What is most important here is for you to explore your money beliefs.

If, even on a sub-conscious level, you believe that to be wealthy is to be shady, exploitative or greedy, these beliefs are going to obstinately stand in your way-- of even minimal abundance.

Stay curious as you become clearer about how you think, feel and believe about money and don't get caught up in criticizing yourself or others in your life for helping to form these beliefs.

Learn what your beliefs are and then decide if you'd like to change them or not.

Be Free with Your Money

As you begin to change your money beliefs, you can ease up about money.

I'm not suggesting that you run out and max out your credit card at your favorite store. Make conscious choices about your financial actions just as you are beginning to do with your beliefs.

For example, with a positive mind-set, a budget can be a wonderful way to keep yourself pointed toward the financial future you'd like.

Remember that you always have choice. Make each of your money decisions from a feeling of empowerment, a clear vision for what you do want for your future and an overall sense of fun and joy.

From there, appreciation and abundance can continue to grow.

Forgiveness: Deconstructed and Re-Fashioned

2009-09-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Being brought up a Methodist, I listened to many Christian teachings in church about how vital it is to forgive.

Each Sunday we asked to be “forgiven for our trespasses” and were also taught that God forgives each one of us for our sins; that Jesus died for our sins was certainly made clear over and over again.

We were all supposed to follow Jesus' and God's examples and forgive.

The beliefs I formed about forgiveness were rooted in the notion that one person (or group) is to blame for whatever “bad” thing has happened and that the forgiver is undertaking a very selfless act.

To me, forgiveness came off as quite a lofty action. It is a gesture of grace extended to the person who was “wrong” or hurtful.

Unfortunately, beliefs like this about forgiveness did not encourage me to actually do it.

What I retained from my years as a Methodist are not necessarily the way all Christians believe-- and they aren't necessarily good, bad, right or wrong. This article is not meant to be a critique of Christianity or any particular religious teaching.

The point here is to take a closer look at how my previous beliefs about forgiveness-- which might be similar to yours-- kept me stuck in the pain of the past.

From that place of awareness, we all can then open up to releasing and clearing the past and moving ahead toward the lives we want for ourselves and our world.

The Forgiveness Tradition Deconstructed

There are certainly elements of wrongfulness and shame linked to forgiveness in its predominant understanding.

A clear "bad" person and “good” person are involved in whatever happened-- a perpetrator and a victim. There can be something secretly gratifying about pointing a finger of blame at another person who cowers in his or her “wickedness” in a corner somewhere.

Especially if you are hurting and the actions or words of this other person were directly linked to your pain, blaming and then granting forgiveness can seem very powerful-- in a (dare I admit this?) self-righteous way.

The only problem is, the facade of power can become alluring. The focus can become limited to the “bad” actions and the damage that seemed to result instead of on truly letting go.

Unfortunately, this focus leaves us caught up in the past.

Another block to forgiveness also plays out as resistance to letting go.

To forgive might be a Godly act, but it can appear that someone “gets away” with whatever the harmful behavior was as a result. Anyone who has ever experienced hurt or betrayal knows how important it can feel for your difficult experience to be validated and acknowledged.

There is nothing wrong with standing up and declaring “I was hurt” or “This is not okay with me.”

The trouble lies in the intense attachment to the painful event. This not only stands in the way of forgiveness, it cements all involved-- including the person who feels hurt-- in the past.

A Re-Fashioning of Forgiveness

For the time being, set aside everything you might believe about forgiveness. I know, this can seem difficult but give it a try anyway.

Ask yourself which is more important to you: Continuing to re-experience and solidify the pain and the past or clearing yourself so that you can live more fully in the present as you create a freer and happier future for yourself?

It can be as simple as asking questions like this.

Keep this priority at the forefront of your consciousness as you decide your next step toward forgiveness.

You can practice forgiveness on a moment-by-moment basis. Tune in to what you need right now. Acknowledge what's true for you and make the completions you are drawn towards.

Above all, love yourself enough to forgive and release.

You might find it helpful to create some affirmations. For example: “I love myself enough to release the past and open up to my desired future. I easily forgive others and myself.”

Find words that positively resonate for you and keep you lined up with what you want. Write them down and speak them aloud as often as you need to.

When it comes down to it, forgiveness has very little to do with any other person but you yourself. It is an assertion that you are ready to release the pain and torment and begin to live the life you want to live.

Forgiveness is truly a gift you give to you. It is a deeply empowering and self-centered-- in a wonderful way-- kind of act.

Are Your Emotions Making You Sick?

2009-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

“...It's just emotions taking me over...” sang the popular 1970s pop group the Bee Gees.

I bet that just about every one of us has experienced a wave of emotions that seemed to literally take over.

It might have been fear or panic so intense that nothing else going on could be perceived. Or it could have been a surge of pleasure or happiness.

Our feelings can be pervasive. They can also make us sick or, conversely, support and promote health and well-being.

There is a connection between emotions and physical health that is being documented in scientific studies.

Medical scientists at UCLA found that the stress hormone, cortisol, suppresses the body's ability to produce an enzyme that is essential for cell health and the effective functioning of the immune system.

As you probably already know, it is the immune system that can fight off nasty things like flu, colds, diseases and even cancer.

And, studies aside, we've all probably experienced this mind-body connection up close and personal in our own lives.

Late last week I came down with some nasty symptoms-- throbbing head, achy all over, low energy, chills and even vomiting.

At first glance, it was obvious that I had a flu. But when I take a careful look back at the days leading up to this illness, there's another way of understanding it.

It is quite probable that I literally made myself sick.

Days before these symptoms temporarily knocked me out, I had been feeling bad about myself. I was feeling sad, ugly, inadequate and generally very low. And the next day, BOOM, I get sick.

Could there be a connection?

I think so.

Letting emotions off the hook for a moment...

Let me back up for a minute. I am not proposing that emotions are to blame for physical health problems.

Instituting a good/bad dichotomy whereby certain emotions will keep you healthy and others will make you sick is not going to benefit any of us. This presumption could lead to an attempt to ignore or push down those feelings that are not deemed positive.

It is nearly impossible to truly ignore away those unpleasant emotions. Efforts to suppress them are not going to promote health either.

Emotions are just energy. Defined as “affective states of consciousness,” our emotions are tied in with our thoughts, beliefs and perceptions.

If you can start to see emotions are merely powerful energy and leave behind the good/bad labels, you can begin to make peace with them-- and I mean all of them.

Making peace with where you are is a great way to allow your emotions to process and then release. It is the tendency to hold onto or become stuck in difficult emotions that can add to stress which then can manifest as illness and disease.

Practice emotional self-checks...

When you stay tuned in to how you are feeling and what you are thinking and believing, you can know when a potential tidal wave of angst is building within you.

Too many of us simply aren't present with our own selves much of the time. It's in this state of auto-pilot that we often get caught unaware by challenging feelings that we then feel helpless to do anything about.

Try this emotional self-check instead:
Before you get out of bed in the morning, simply listen to your thoughts and notice how are feeling. Repeat this during a mid-day break in your daily routine and then again before dropping off to sleep at night.

When you discover feelings, thoughts or sensations that disturb or trouble you, pause and look more deeply at what's going on. Be inquisitive and resist the urge to judge yourself or become fearful.

It can be quite a powerful act to interrupt your usual habit of pushing ahead with your life and, instead, acknowledge that you feel sad, irritable, angry or afraid.

Your next step could be to ask yourself what you need to soothe yourself about this. The answer might be a very specific action, or it could be more questions.

You may discover that particular beliefs about yourself, others or your situation are fueling your intense emotions. If so, it can be helpful to ask yourself if you absolutely know that these beliefs are true.

Often, the reminder that a belief or thought might not be accurate is enough to create space for new perceptions of a situation.

As you listen to yourself and follow through by meeting your emotional needs as best you can, you will probably feel improvement and some sense of relief.

You might not jump from depressed to joyful, but be sure to recognize those positive movements and continue to build on them.

Thriving Because and In Spite of Past Traumas

2009-09-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Way too many of us have experienced trauma in our pasts.

It looks different for us all, but the effects can be quite similar.

When trauma happens, it almost always leaves a mark. This can be a deep and multi-layered wound that never seems to fully heal.

The challenge for those of us who are survivors of trauma is to recognize where we are and what has happened, but not get so caught up in the past that we remain stuck there.

The language we choose to talk and think about our past traumas reflects and sustains the beliefs we have about ourselves and our ability-- or inability-- to move toward the future we want.

The emotional and even physical sensations of trauma tend to stick with you and re-surface when triggered on anniversaries or when similar conditions arise.

Past trauma can affect our relationships, our capacity to succeed in the workplace, our health and our overall ability to live the lives we desire.

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and a date rape survivor. For years, these labels were at the forefront of my conscious mind. I needed them to be.

For a long time it was my priority to prove to others how insidious sexual abuse and rape are and also that a person can survive these atrocities and be a “normal” person in a loving relationship able to parent children with safety and healthy nurturing.

I worked with different therapists over the years and completed exercises in The Courage to Heal Workbook. I found support and felt empowered at “Take Back the Night” marches. And I talked and cried a lot with my partner, close friends and family.

It has been a long, winding path of healing for me-- and I know it's not done. I have no doubt that there are more layers to acknowledge and that there is further processing and releasing ahead.

What do you call yourself?

It used to be a point of contention for me to assert to others that I am NOT a victim of anything; I am a survivor.

Behind this assertion was an insistent sense of taking back my power.

I defied those who violated my boundaries and body as I claimed that I survived. As much as this contention helped me, I can also see why others feel an amount of soothing when they call themselves “victim.”

Yes, there are just words.

They do not alter the fact that particular acts were carried out in particular ways. But depending on the meanings we attach to them, these specific words can make all the difference in our ability to move ahead and release what happened.

If there has been a traumatic event in your past, think about the labels you apply to yourself. There can be value in just about any label-- as long as it is one that does not cause you further pain and as long as you don't become so attached to the label you are limited by it.

What do you want for your future?

I no longer find it so crucial to call myself a survivor. Instead, I prefer to see myself as a thriver.

To me, thriving is the next step. I am no longer satisfied by merely surviving the trauma of my past. I intend to thrive despite and because of what happened in my experience.

As I expand my view, I can see that there is a lot that has happened in my life-- including and not limited to the sexual abuse and date rape.

I do not want to, and probably could not, erase the past and return to pretending that these traumas did not occur. But I am less focused in on them these days.

Today I can acknowledge the richness and vastness of my life up to this point. I can also create a vision for the future I want for myself-- partly because I am consciously orienting myself toward that vision.

Yes, there are times when I feel fear, sadness or grief that connects to my past. When this happens, I allow the emotions to surface and I am especially gentle and loving with myself.

As a thriver, I don't spend more time than I need to there.

Changing the language you use about your past may seem to be pointless to you. And if it is merely a linguistic exercise without an accompanying shift in belief, you will probably not benefit from the improvements you seek.

I believe that words-- when backed up by belief, expectation and action-- are powerful. Take an honest look at your life and the labels you use to describe yourself.

In which direction do they point you?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-09-07T11:01:00.001-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Change is inevitable.

Change happens all of the time, every single day for each of us. No matter how boring and predictable we think our lives are, we-- along with everyone else-- are in constant flux.

Time passes. We get older. Seasons change and the Earth evolves.

In our day-to-day lives, changes are happening too-- on mundane levels as well as those more radical.

We finish one project at work and move on to another one. We make career changes; we end marriages or relationships and we eventually fall in love again.

If change is all around us-- and happening constantly within us-- you'd think we be quite comfortable with it.

Why do so many of us fall apart in the face of change?

I tend to get bored easily, so one might assume that I thrive on change. Not so. I have a habit of becoming nervous, fearful and even controlling when changes are afoot in my life.

There is something about change that feels utterly out of my control-- and, frankly, it is to some degree.

Changes taunt us with an allusion of powerlessness.

I think that this is one reason why change has been so difficult for me in the past. I am reminded of not only my mortality, but also how small and insignificant I am.

I don't mean this as a put-down. Every single one of us is truly very small and insignificant.

At the same time, I believe we are all inter-linked and extensions of an over-arching whole-- Source Energy or God. We are all-powerful, amazing beings even as we are tiny little specks in an immense Universe.

Whether or not we stand tall and confidently move forward toward what we want in life or crumple to the ground and stay stuck in a defensive posture is totally up to each of us.

We can be both directed and allowing. We can be in charge of our lives while, at the same time, we also let go and move with the flow.

Sometimes the false comfort of what we've always known and done causes us suffering and makes us resist change.

As much as a habit or tendency hurts you or the ones you love, you might stubbornly cling to that way of being simply because it's what you know.

Too often, we stay in jobs, relationships or situations in which we are not thriving (or worse) only because we are terrified that we can't come up with anything better.

And who can blame any of us?

We look around and admit that, yes, we are unhappy and dissatisfied. But there is a dark, blank unknowable quality to the alternatives we dare to consider.

There is a certain comfort in being miserable where we are-- and so we tend to stay there.

Stay Present & Focused

Being in the present moment is one way to stop resisting change and begin flowing with it toward what you want.

When you notice you are anxious or worried about changes going on, ask yourself if you are present.

Too often, I project myself into some future place of my fears when I am faced with the unknown.

Instead, I could notice what I am doing and consciously bring myself back to the present.

I can choose not to plan or cast ahead too far into the future when I feel overwhelmed or powerless.

I can remind myself of the decisions I can make right here and right now. And I can release my anxiety about all of the rest.

At the same time, I can also keep myself focused on the vision for what I ultimately want.

When faced with a change, create room in your attention for a clear vision of the outcome or experience you'd like to have.

You can be where you are, making decisions in the here and now. And you can also maintain a vision for what you'd like to encounter next.

After all, if you are charged up and excited about your future and you keep making choices that line you up with that future, it's less likely that you will drag your heels or short-circuit your own efforts.

Stand Behind Your Choices

So many of us speed along toward a goal and then encounter some obstacle (often an unexpected change) which seems to throw us totally off-course.

We then may feel insecure about the grand vision we had. The excitement is shattered and we often feel lost and, yet again, powerless and ineffectual.

When this happens, it's time to check in with yourself and decide what you want to do next. As you do so, stand behind your choices.

No matter how much of a mistake you think you've made, stand tall and confident with dignity and have the courage to get back on the path you were on or turn toward a new one.

Yes, change happens.

And isn't it wonderful that no matter what a moment or situation is like, it can always get better?

Everybody Needs a Teenager...

2009-09-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

We've all heard about (or lived with) the stereotypical teenager.

As young people navigate that threshold between being a child and an adult, there are those angst-filled, confidence-testing and sometimes downright harrowing years that fall roughly between the ages of 13 and 18-- give or take a few years.

I live with a wonderful teen. He is loving, caring and sensitive-- at times. He can also seem, to me, to be difficult, stubborn, disrespectful and even arrogant-- at times.

The thing about teenagers is there are occasions that they seem to know each and every button to push to make you crazy.

It might not be a dear teen in your life that appears to cause you unending irritation and exasperation. Your partner, neighbor, boss, parent or even an acquaintance may seem to have a knack for ruining even your best days.

I believe that everybody needs a teenager (or irritating partner, boss, neighbor, etc.) because this is the person who has the potential to help us expand, grow and move closer to being the person we each want to be.

Without that beautiful irritating person in our lives, we might not make the changes we've been wanting to make.

It's not about you.

As much as any of us DON'T want to hear this... nobody can make you or me feel bad, irritated, angry or upset. We do all of this to ourselves.

There is always an element of choice in how to take in what's going on and how to respond.

When my teen is having a grumpy day and his growling spills over onto his brother, his dad and me, I get to choose how I will greet his grumpiness and behavior.

I could take it personally and interpret his words as an insulting or degrading comment about me. I could also set aside any judgments or knee-jerk reactions I might have and simply address what's going on.

Without labeling my teen in any way, I can make requests for a change in his behavior or tone of voice. I can ask him what's going on, how he's feeling, what he needs to feel supported right now.

I can listen more than I lecture. And I can be honest and upfront about what I expect from him.

When you come upon someone who seems to be directing his or her anger or criticisms your way, stop and pause before responding. Ask yourself if you absolutely know it's true that this person is singling out you in his or her annoying.

Then decide what you need from this situation and this person. From as calm a place as you can reach, make it clear what you need and stay open to listen to what the other person might need.

When you really listen, you might be surprised. And you probably will gain a deeper, clearer understanding of the person and what's going on.

Well, ok, it is really about you.

...But not in the way you might be thinking.

On another level, when you get triggered by something another person says or does, that's a sure sign that it is about you. This doesn't mean that every time my teenager gets angst-filled or snarky I am to blame.

What it means is the fact that I quickly and easily go to a place of irritation and annoyance with him indicates that there's learning and growth for me in this situation.

Sometimes the person pushing your buttons exemplifies a point of contrast for you. He or she is making a choice that is absolutely NOT what you want for yourself.

This can be a wonderful moment for you-- or not.

Spiritual teacher Abraham points out that those blessed people who seem to cause us such consternation are actually those who help us to expand in ways we've only dreamed of.

Once you see what it is you don't want in the choices of your button-pusher, you can take notice and then turn toward what you do want.

Many of us, unfortunately, get caught up in the trap of continuing to fixate on what we don't want as demonstrated right before our eyes and thus we intensify our irritation and usually the conflict escalates.

As great as it is to be with people who agree with us and make the same lifestyle choices we do, such an environment does not always encourage expansion and growth.

It is by recognizing the contrast in situations with others, that you can more easily decide what you want for yourself and then orient yourself toward what you desire.

And you can also decide to love yourself and even those irritating people for who we each are... beings trying to discover our own personal paths to greater awareness, wholeness and fulfillment.

The No-Shame Way to Lose Weight, Feel Great and Motivate Yourself Toward the Body You Want

2009-08-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

The organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is notorious for making their message known in an in-your-face and difficult to forget way.

I'm usually all in favor of guerilla theater, nonviolent resistance and other forms of getting the word out about particular causes in creative and colorful ways.

But I'm never in favor of shaming and degradation.

Recently, PETA put up a new billboard in Florida with the words “Save the Whales” in bright pink letters.*

Next to this slogan was an image you might not expect-- it was a drawing (pictured above) of a large white woman's torso with a bikini on, complete with flesh hanging over her waistband.

Yes, this is PETA's latest effort to encourage people to adopt a vegetarian diet-- by making them feel probably more self-conscious and negatively about their body size than they already do.

This is not a blog post about PETA and its media strategies. This isn't even a blog post about vegetarianism.

Instead, this is a no-shame motivator to help you move closer to loving the body you have and having the body you want.

PETA is just the recent voice in a long-line of public outcry against the obesity “epidemic” in the U.S. Headlines scream at us about the health risks of weighing too much and eating a diet too heavy in sugars, fats and processed foods in general.

Yet we still reach for the cookies and ice cream when we're stressed out. We continue to munch chips with abandon when we're bored. And we prolong our time on the couch watching a favorite show instead of heading to the gym.

Why?

Is it because we're lazy, addicted or even apathetic?

I don't think so.

I believe that, in many cases, the guilt-inducing stream of images and rhetoric out there about our bodies, diet and exercise actually contribute to the actions (or non-actions) we take that keep us in bodies that may be heavier and unhealthier than we'd like them to be.

Instead of PETA vilifying people who eat meat and insinuating that vegetarianism automatically equals a thin and fit body, I'd like to see them uplift people of all sizes and then talk more about the many benefits of living a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle.

Let people make their own decisions about what they eat-- educate and motivate using methods that support dignity and respect.

Sit with It Before You Act

We all make choices. Every time each one of us eats or drinks something, it's a choice.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, I sometimes reach for the bag of chocolate chips that I know is in the freezer. In such a mode, I often mindlessly shovel handfuls of those sweet morsels into my mouth.

The result of this coping mechanism for stress is almost always that I stop and realize what I'm doing at a certain point and then I feel bad about myself.

The pounds seem to multiply with this realization and-- the biggest kicker of all-- I am still stressed and overwhelmed.

If you can simply sit with how you are feeling before you reach for your stash of chocolate (or whatever it is you use to try to cope with difficulties), you are taking a huge step.

In her book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of the Buddha, Tara Brach suggests that you pause and “not do”when you feel driven by wanting. In other words, sit and notice how you are feeling before eating that chip or diving into the pint of ice cream.

Set aside even a few seconds to acknowledge how you are feeling and what you are truly wanting at this moment. Remember to breathe deeply.

After this noticing, if you still want to eat chocolate chips, do so. But know that you will be making a more conscious choice.

This can actually make a difference. You are choosing to eat or not to eat chocolate chips rather than devouring them in an out of control manner.

The eating of the chocolate chips becomes separated from your attempt to cope with stress as you take the time to offer your attention to your emotions before taking any action.

This can help you to feel more empowered and may lead to you making a different choice-- perhaps eating fewer chocolate chips, eating something more nourishing instead or maybe taking a walk to relax.

Stand behind the choices you make in your life-- including what you eat, how physically active you are and what your body looks like.

It is from this place of self-acceptance and self-respect that you can more easily make changes and celebrate the strides you are taking toward your goals along the way.
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*In response to an outpouring of negative public response to this billboard, PETA changed it. Visit this blog for more information.

Peace Talks

2009-08-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It is nearly impossible to share love with others and your world if you do not fully love yourself.

Sure, I've heard this before and I whole-heartedly believe it.

It's super easy for me to love and feel at peace with myself after I've connected deeply with another person, helped out a stranger or was given a compliment.

At those times I feel warm, fuzzy and all aglow. I am proud walking around as me and these great feelings spill over as I easily appreciate the wondrousness of all around me.

Then there are those other moments. After I've snapped at my kids or my partner; when I look in the mirror and see flaws (or worse) in my reflection; and when I think, say or do something that literally makes me feel ashamed.

In times like these I clamp down, cave in, tighten up and the warmth and glow are quickly extinguished.

During those other moments, I feel about as far away from peace as can be.

Loving yourself and being at peace with who you are (all of it) is essential and required if you want to give to others and be of benefit to your community and world.

How many of us strive to truly love ourselves completely?

When you're in a place of self-love, your entire perspective of others and life is positively enhanced. You can more easily see and appreciate aspects of others and situations when you grant yourself complete love.

I think that loving yourself sometimes gets a bad rap. I know that there is a part of me that associates self-love with narcissism or being self-centered.

In actuality, those who are labeled vain, arrogant or narcissistic quite often feel hollow and lacking within.

When a person is truly at peace with him or herself, there is an underlying calm, assurance and confidence about the person. There is a sense of love that is present and even unconditional.

It is delightfully contagious.

Even when I set aside the negative associations that are linked to notions of self-love, it can still seem tricky to actually love myself no matter what.

To love yourself unconditionally does not mean that you are claiming to be perfect in the sense that you have no more room to grow, learn and improve.

We all have “bad” habits, “ugly” aspects or “embarrassing” traits. Let's just face it.

The key to learning to love yourself is to appreciate everything about you and who you are right now-- even the stuff you cringe about.

In fact, if you'd like to make a change in your life, noticing what you don't like and then loving yourself -- including the habit, trait or aspect-- is a first step to opening up to a new way of living.

As you become aware of what you don't like about yourself, pay close attention to what you do next.

If, as I have done in the past, you turn against yourself and rail on internally about how horrible it is that you are or do _________ , just stop right there.

Even if, at this moment, you can't love yourself for being judgmental, having the body you have or yelling at your kids, at the very least you can pause before you take yourself further down the road of self-loathing.

Set up peace talks between you and you.

This might mean that you start looking more deeply at this habit or tendency of yours that you do not like. Don't analyze or try to rationalize it.

Instead, feel into yourself and acknowledge that there is some purpose this aspect has served in your past or in the present.

There truly aren't any “bad” habits-- there are merely those that take us in a direction we want to go and those that take us to unwanted places. Sometimes the consequences are desired; other times they are detrimental or even dangerous.

And this can change over time.

What was once a useful, even necessary, skill for dealing with a set of circumstances may now be an obstacle to you reaching the goals you currently have.

As you attain a deeper understanding of your tendencies and acknowledge the ways that they might have served you in the past (or even the present), you can soften and begin to ease up on yourself.

You might decide that you are ready to make different choices and respond in a new way. Or you might decide to stay the same for now. Neither have to be done at the expense of self-love.

You don't have to castigate yourself in order to improve. In fact, from this ease-full and open place, you can usually glide into the change you want rather than battle yourself to get there.

It all comes down to love.

Something Is Standing In My Way...Oh Wait, It's Me!?

2009-08-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever been so close to having the job, relationship, car, vacation, or whatever it is that you want but something happens that seems to prevent you from actually having that desire come into fruition?

What is it that blasted thing or person that's standing in between you and what you want?

When I've been in such a place, I sometimes delude myself into thinking that it's another person or some outside force that is the spoiler.

This delusion is the “easy way” to deal with my frustration and disappointment that what I want is not happening anytime soon. Unfortunately, this “easy way” also gives all of the creative power to somebody or some entity apart from myself.

I am off the hook, so to speak, but I am also left feeling quite a bit helpless.

When I really look at what's going on in my life and I ask myself why I'm not living the ecstatically happy and blissfully abundant experience I crave, I am the main reason why.

Of course, I have so much that's going wonderfully in my life. I appreciate and acknowledge how truly blessed I am.

And of course, I do not live in a vacuum. There are other people, institutions and organizations that impact my life.

But it's time to stop pretending that these outside forces are determining my experience!

Obstacles of our own making

Almost every single one of us short-circuits our own desires at times to lesser and greater degrees.

As much as you claim that you want to start your own business, meet your perfect partner or travel the world, it's quite likely that the reason you haven't moved closer to realizing these aspirations is you.

Even if what you want is not a huge change or move from what you know right now, you can still stand in your own way.

Why?

Sometimes we put up obstacles to what we want because we actually don't want those things-- or we feel conflicted.

When your heart is not in whatever it is you are doing, it makes perfect sense that you would drag yourself along-- possibly even kicking and screaming!

Other times you are clearer about what you want, but you don't feel deserving of actually having it. So many of us lug around old beliefs about ourselves, the world and others from our past.

Like the proverbial self-fulfilling prophecy, you expect yourself to mess up when it really counts-- with your partner, your kids, your friends and at work-- and so you do.

So when the breakup happens, the fights occur or the promotion never comes, you are not surprised.

Clear the way

Blues singer Keb Mo sings: “Get out the way and let your light shine.” These are wonderfully wise words...but don't always seem easy to do!

In order to get out of your own way and start manifesting what you want in life, you need to clear up your self-limiting habits.

Start to notice what it is you believe and acknowledge that these beliefs might have made sense at one time in your past-- try not to cast blame or judgments on yourself.

When you uncover a belief, ask yourself if it feels open and expansive or closed and limiting.

What happens to your shoulders, your jaw, the pit of your stomach? Even a slight tension or sense of holding can signal that a particular thought or belief is keeping you stuck.

I don't advise you to start re-living your past, but it can be extremely helpful to offer yourself extra love and care around those tight and tense areas that link to limiting beliefs rooted in your past.

You might find that you need to make a completion about something in the past that is lending extra intensity to your beliefs. If so, follow through and do that.

Remember to be gentle and loving with yourself. Know that you have the power to clear up your thoughts and create space for new ways of living.

From this clearer space, allow what you want to unfold. Don't force it or try to “make” your dreams happen.

Act when you are inspired to act, even when it seems crazy or different than what you'd usually do.

Remind yourself that you are supported, loved and worthy. Cultivate trust in yourself, your inner knowing and your Source.

As you let these truths fill your thinking and your whole being, there is literally nothing you cannot do!

Don't Get Mad, Do Yoga!

2009-08-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever felt so angry, you could hardly see straight? Or maybe you were overwhelmed by fear and felt closed off and small inside. Perhaps, your brain seemed in a fog-- it was next to impossible for you to think clearly....

We've all been there.

Whether it's feeling mad, sad, afraid or even spacey, sometimes it seems as if we are stuck in particular emotions or a certain mood and we just can't figure out a way to move through it and release.

Have you ever tried yoga in cases like this?

Yoga's Health Benefits

You probably are aware of the physical health benefits of yoga. This practice is a fabulous way to increase your flexibility and strengthen core muscles in your body.

A regular yoga practice can also help you be more relaxed which usually means your blood pressure will stay in a healthy zone. Many practitioners experience a greater mental clarity and ability to focus as other positive side-effects of yoga.

Each yoga pose, or asana, targets particular areas of the body and even specific organs.

When it comes to your emotions, the asanas act in a similar way.

5 Yoga Poses to Ease Challenging Emotions:

Please research and learn more about each of these yoga asanas before attempting them. Yoga can fit just about anyone's fitness capabilities, but it is important that you be informed about the poses.

The asana descriptions I provide below are not meant to be instructional.

If you notice yourself feeling out of sorts but you're not sure why, take a few moments to tune in to what you are feeling. Give most attention to the emotions you are experiencing and less to any stories you associate with the emotions.

Remember to breathe...
Bring your awareness deeper into yourself and your body by breathing from your abdomen. Inhale slowly through your nose and allow your abdomen to move out away from your spine. Now exhale slowly and let your abdomen move back toward your spine to it's more usual position.

Yoga Pose #1: Mountain (*Tadasana)

Mountain pose is a deceptively simple asana. You basically stand up tall on the floor. Feet are hip-width apart and your hands are loose at your sides. Breathe and feel yourself connect with the Earth as you hold this pose.

As you might expect, Mountain pose can help you ground yourself when you feel flighty, scattered or you just can't focus. When you direct your attention to your feet as they connect with the floor and symbolically the Earth that supports you, you can more easily come back to the present moment and improved clarity.

Yoga Pose #2: Warrior (Virabhadrasana)

There are several variations of the Warrior pose. Most involve standing to the side with your legs and feet apart. Front foot faces the front and the back foot is perpendicular to the front.

Depending on the version of Warrior you choose, your arms will be out and parallel to the floor or up over your head pointed toward the sky. This asana often involves shifting your weight toward the front and slightly bending the knee.

If you are feeling fearful,weak, or ineffectual, try Warrior pose. As you stand in this courage-enhancing asana, you can feel into your own power that might before have seemed hidden.

Yoga Pose #3: Triangle (Trikonasana)

Triangle is considered one of the most essential and core poses there are in many yoga traditions. It is similar to Warrior and can be practiced in conjunction with it. Again, there are variations to Triangle.

Your feet are the same as in the Warrior pose. Your arms are out and parallel to the floor. This time, your legs stay straight as you bend from the side to reach your front arm toward your front foot on the floor as your other arm raises up behind you.

Triangle is the quintessential balancing pose. It can be extremely helpful if you are feeling stuck or stubborn about some belief or position you are holding.

You might be having a difficult time seeing another's person's point of view. Or it could be that you feel like you have “no options” in a situation.

If so, see if holding the triangle pose helps you loosen up and open up.

Yoga Pose #4: Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward Facing Dog pose is another favorite among those who practice yoga. You start out on your hands and knees and then slowly place your feet on the floor behind you, arms on the floor in front of you and your eyes comfortably looking down at the floor or your stomach. Your body forms a triangle shape.

Downward Facing Dog is a wonderful pose and stretch. And when you feel angry, constriction often results. Go into Downward Facing Dog when you are irritated or mad. The symbolic submission to the situation can help you release your anger and, perhaps, take a different clearer-headed view of whatever is going on.

Yoga Pose #5: Handstand (Adho Mukha Vrksasana)

The Handstand pose can be difficult or seem scary to beginners, but it can also be easily worked up to. Find a wall with plenty of space around and behind you. Start out facing the wall and then go into Downward Facing Dog with your hands and head near the wall.

Next, gently kick up into a handstand and allow your feet to land against the wall for support. Hold it as long as you are able to.

There are certainly times when a situation seems totally opposed to what you intended or wanted. You might feel frustrated or distressed about where you are and simply not know how to turn yourself around to point where you want to go.

Inverted asanas such as Handstand can help you literally turn a situation on its head! You might not be able to hold this pose for more than a few seconds at first, but the shifting benefits can still be felt.

When you are feeling out of sorts and stuck in a mood, take a deep breath and try some yoga.

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*I have listed the Sanskrit name for each of the poses for your information. In a yoga class or other resource, these asanas might be referred to in the Sanskrit.

*Visit http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/info/downward-facing-dog.asp for fuller descriptions and graphics of all of the asanas described in this article.

What Did You Expect?

2009-07-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Recently, esteemed Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested after he was “caught” “breaking in” to his own home in Massachusetts.

A call about suspicious activity at the house was reported to police who arrived to find Professor Gates, an African-American man, and his driver trying to force entrance into Gates' home because the front door was stuck.

What might have been a harmless and easily explained encounter quickly escalated and Gates ended up being booked for disorderly conduct.

In the aftermath of this incident, allegations of racism have been lobbed about and even U.S. President Barack Obama declared that the police acted “stupidly.”

I wasn't at the scene of this very unfortunate incident. I have not spoken with either Professor Gates or the police officers involved.

What I suspect, however, is that this situation did not have to turn out this way. The expectations of probably all involved created a scene in which an innocent man was arrested and a potential lawsuit with negative ramifications could follow.

So was racism a motivator in this case?

Yes, it probably was.

The U.S. has a long history of racism that will take a long time to unlearn. But that does not necessarily mean that the police officers involved are members of the KKK or even that they consciously or regularly discriminate against people who are not white-skinned.

I speculate that a context of racism-- that Professor Gates studies, observes and has probably experienced-- also played a role in Gates' reaction to being approached and questioned by the white police officers arriving on the scene with a report of a break-in.

Expectations on both sides most likely led to this situation that could have ended without incident.

What are your expectations?

We expect a bridge to hold us up as we drive over it. We expect the people we care about to support us when we need them. We expect the sun to rise and then set each day.

Most of us also harbor expectations that people will behave in specific ways because of the identity markers such as race, sex, class, ethnicity, age and sexuality we perceive.

We all have expectations, yet most of us don't realize how motivated we are by them.

When you tune in and begin to listen to your own expectations, you might be surprised and, perhaps, even feel a little ashamed. I can find within myself particular expectations that I am not too proud of.

Our expectations do not have to be categorized as dichotomously either “good” or “bad.” Instead, you could acknowledge what you discover about yourself and ask if it's pointing you in a direction you desire.

Are the expectations you have of yourself, your life and others-- whether they be family, friends or complete strangers-- allowing you to live the way you want to live?

This is the question to consider.

Too many times, our expectations severely limit us. We become closed in and stuck with a “this is the way it is” or “that is the way he or she is/I am” kind of mindset.

Open up and meet each person in the present

To acknowledge and question your expectations requires you to stay tuned in to your feelings and thoughts.

Expectations can sometimes feel narrow and closed. It's as if your beliefs and perceptions of yourself and others are like that stuck front door to Professor Gates' home.

What can you do to bring more ease to a situation so that your own symbolic door can freely open?

You might encourage yourself to form new expectations. Despite what you've learned, been told or have previously experienced, perhaps now you are willing to expect to connect and interact with others in peaceful and loving ways.

Meet every person and situation you come upon as if for the first time-- with an open heart and mind.

Practice staying present and awake. Really listen to what the people you are with are saying. Feel into yourself to decide-- in each moment-- how you want to respond to what's going on.

You might just be astounded by the effects.

A Big Ole Belly Laugh

2009-07-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It's a usual day on the metro. People read, listen to music or chat quietly with each other as they travel from one place to another.

Suddenly, a man-- sitting by himself-- begins to laugh quite loudly and boisterously. Those around him begin to look and wonder what has caused this man to laugh so heartily.

And then it happens.

The laughter starts to spread just minutes after the gentleman begins to giggle. Pretty soon, the entire train car is bursting at the seams with laughter.

Riders are shaking their heads and shrugging their shoulders in surrender to the sheer pleasure of laughing.

This actual scene spontaneously occurred on a metro train. As I watched the recording of it on youtube.com, I couldn't help myself either. I joined in with the laughter.

And it felt so good!

It really doesn't matter what kind of laughter you experience. You might giggle, smirk, or chuckle. Or you may loudly guffaw and double over with a deep belly laugh.

There's no doubt about it. Laughter is a pleasing, releasing and relaxing activity to engage in.

Even if you can't bring yourself to a full-out laugh, you can almost always find a way to lighten up about what's going on in your life.

Unfortunately, many of us don't allow ourselves a really good laugh regularly. It seems too easy to get wrapped up in the “serious work” of being an adult.

After all, we have bills to pay, examples to set for the young folk in our lives and what can seem like the unending troubles of our world to contend with.

Who has time for laughter and lightening up in the midst of all that?

Laughter is essential...

I believe that it's time we all make laughter as much a priority in our lives as we do working out at the gym, eating our vegetables and keeping our minds sharp by completing the sudoku.

The health benefits of laughter have actually been documented. We have all hopefully experienced the delightful release of tension and stress after a good laugh.

You may also be aware that laughter releases those uplifting endorphins. The immune system can be boosted by laughter and benefits to the cardiovascular system can also result.

When you share laughter with others, a bond is almost immediately formed. It is truly difficult to harbor ill feelings toward another person when the two of you are laughing together.

Laughter can also help you get unstuck emotionally. A cleansing laugh can truly shift your perspective.

Laughter can't be forced...

When you look at your life and you are afraid, worried, angry, disappointed or even disgusted by what you see, it can seem impossible to laugh. You simply can't make yourself be happy or laugh.

Noticing that you are unhappy is a great first step toward lightening up and creating space for laughter.

Acknowledge what you're feeling. Don't discount your emotions or shove aside unhappiness.

Do choose to focus more of your attention on aspects of your life that feel lighter, easier and more pleasing.

Your lightening up process might start by watching your cat chase after a toy, for example. As the feline tumbles, leaps and tackles the fuzzball “prey,” you might notice a slight smile form on your lips.

Yes, your life is relatively the same as it was a moment ago, but by simply watching your cat have a little fun you lightened up. It wasn't forced. It was a conscious choice you made to shift your focus.